Monday, December 13, 2010

Who would have thought

Well, I found myself in Church again yesterday.  For so many years I have not attended regularly, if at all, even though my childhood, youth, and most of my 'raising family' years included Church attendance at least every Sunday.  It was such a regular part of my life.  There is no analytical reason for my return now except that it's time, for importat reasons.  I am in a different 'place' in my life's path now.  Much of that has to do with the fact of my early experience found within the walls of Church, and church sponsored activites. But even my learnings begun in church, have gone beyond the confines of those walls, and are limited by them no longer.  Now somehow, I am not choosing my actions now, in the traditional sense.  In an odd way, it seems that my actions are choosing me.  I follow along, and my actions are more and more part of a larger blueprint, not known to me.

In my life, Church participation, and just the fact of 'Church' itself, has provided me with some of my greatest experience.  I've learned a lot - not only 'in' church, but 'because of it'.  Many others have shared their own experience with me, and how 'church' has affected them in their lives.  I watch as each person makes life choices according to their individual experience and perspective.  Some choices are similar, some are WAY different, even based on what seems to be similar circumstances.

I ponder about my return to Church after all this time.  I too have had so much similar experiece as many of  those who have shared theirs with me.  And I also have a deep and abiding appreciation for all that 'church' has provided for me in my life, on so many different levels.  I am at peace in that.  And being more at peace, period, means I am more 'present'.  A good friend of mine describes this as being more like a ball, gently bogging up and down on the waves of a river, rather than being bounced around in a pinball machine, in constant reaction to pushes and shoves happening.

At this point, it seems that the 'I' of me is not making the choice to attend and participate.  Again, it's more of that 'listen and follow' process. As a result, over the past while, when the clock on the wall of my kitchen said it was 'Churh time', that's where I've found myself to be.  There is more to be had now it seems - both in experience and in learning.  As Ecclesistes 3:1 in the Bible it says, "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven."  I love that scripture.  It says so much.

As I think about it, many of my doings today, my choices of action, seem to be based on a choice I made long ago, to surrender.  I know, that's a potent word, but it fits because I was fighting hard at that time.  I didn't want to 'give in', and better yet, 'give up'. Yet when I truly surrendered, and let go of my feverish clutches on the things I thought I wanted, what I REALLY wanted began flowing into my life.  Letting go is  hard, I admit. But I found it made it much easier for me to let go, as I released into the holding of a higher, larger power - a power beyond all that I knew as my own, smaller 'self'.  Surrendering in this way I felt such peace, such relief, and such fulfillment.  I wondered why I hadn't ever done it before, even though, at the same moment, I kinda knew.  Fear, just fear.  That's all.

I still have fear in my life, but fear doesn't 'run' my life as it used to.  When I notice fear is present, I can usually say, "Oh, there's fear present now."  Then I either act anyway, in the face of the fear, look at it to see if there's something to learn from it, or see if there's something I'm avoiding, and why.  Those, among other things. It's a great trigger, however uncomfortable it is in the moment.  Sometimes, I can even transform the energy of that same fear into energy I need right then to help push me forward into doing the very thing I fear, thereby learning an even larger lesson.  Or at least, having a decidedly larger experience.


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