Thursday, November 18, 2010

Mud and questions and lessons

As I mentioned, my new heart function helped me be able to sing last Sunday, for the first time in years.  And I have been singing since.  Something else happened though.  Mud, awareness, and mud clearing away.  Here's what I mean.  I know that what goes on with the physical has emotional components, and vice versa.  I've experienced it before, and I've coached others in this area.  Even so, it's unexpected when it hits me, again.  And it felt like mud!  I couldn't see through it, it was 'icky', and I wanted to be clear of it.

My face was wet with tears, my body wracked with sobs.  At first, I was puzzled.  I had no idea what was going on.  The lessons came trickling in. The 'mud' seemed to be connected with feelings of sadness, anger, embarrassment and grief all combined.  When I tried to look for any causes, at first all I could see was the mud.  Emotions are pretty muddy and swampy sometimes, not clear at all.  Same here.  So I let it 'be' for awhile, and just allowed myself to cry,.... and talk.

It helps me when I talk with another person - someone I trust - in times like this.  Not that they have any answers for me, necessarily.  But as I talk, awareness and answers emerge into my consciousness.  And sometimes questions.  When I allow myself to 'be with' those questions (rather than seeking for answers and conclusions), I become more conscious again of what's going on.  Ah-hah!  More answers! The 'mud' starts clearing.

Now I know so much more about what the sadness, the anger, embarrassment and grief were really about. I am more aware of so many of the life situations that have prevented me from "feeling like" singing - to the point that it becoming impossible for me to do.  Of course, having it physically become more and more difficult didn't help, I'm sure.

Does the emotional create the physical?  Does the physical create the emotional?  Since my Doctors have heart condition (aortic valve and core were 'too small' for my heart) is genetic, could there be an emotional link as well, that continues to run in my family?  Hmmm.  And also, because my heart has genetically (also) had problems with racing, etc., could I have ever been physicall and/or emotionally been trully able to naturally love 'rightly', or has it always been a struggle?  Is this one of the reasons why I love 'differently' now, and loving feels more 'clear' to me now, than it did before?  I may not be one to teach about this, but I certainly am learning.  Questions remain.

Now, it's a safe time in my life.  Now I can have 'me' without guilt and shame.  Now I can breathe - both physically and emotionally. I look back, and I was able to do neither fully, ever since I was born.  Life in interesting, is it not?


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