Monday, November 15, 2010

I sang today

I guess I haven't realized how ill I have been, and for so long.  I used to sing.  I enjoyed singing as a child, a youth, and as an adult.  As a Junior in High School the Choir Director asked me, a girl, to be the lead tenor in the High School Choir.  (The boys were having such a hard time!)  I sang in an award-winning girls quartet in California.  We sang in Utah, where we were offered a record contract from Columbia Records.  (Two quartet members got cold feet, so we didn't finalize our portfolio and their offer.)  I sang with my family, with my friends, with the car radio, and I sang at Church and around home every day. 

Then I stopped singing.  I can't say exactly when it happened.  As I look back now, singing seems to have become just too hard to do.  I shake my head now, and realize that I just "didn't feel like it" for some reason.  I know it puzzled me.  I've thought about it many times,  And when I've tried to sing, it has seemed to take more energy than I've had to give.  So I haven't even tried now for many, many years.

Until today.

This morning I felt well enough that maybe I could go to Church, and that I should make the effort.  I went to my closet and scrambled through it, finally finding something that fit, and that looked good enough to be considered 'Church clothes'.  I drove up to the Church building, having to park way in the back because I was a bit late.  I walked all the way across the parking lot and up into the Chapel, slowly, but easily.  (I noticed - I couldn't have done that just a few months ago. I wouldn't have been able.)  I found a seat, and as usual, I took hold of a songbook, reading along the words in stillness while the congregation sang the song. That has been my usual pattern for many years now. 

Until the closing song.  As the music began again, I felt the energy swell within me, and the words crossed my mind, "Just try".  I began to sing along.  My singing voice was unsteady, from lack of use I'm sure.  But I kept singing.  I was filled with amazement as I continued to sing, more and more strongly through the familiar words and music.  No gasping for air, no discomfort,.... and I "felt like it".  I sang all through two of the four verses of the song.  When the third verse of the song began, only one small sound came out of my mouth, and then no more.  The tears prevented anything else.  Gratitude and joy filled me to overflowing.  When I reached down into the pocket of my coat, thankfully that little packet of tissues I'd put there a long, long time ago was still there.  I sure needed it.


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