Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Clarity moments

Clarity is important to me.  I look for it, and I'm finding it. Looking for, and experiencing, clarity is a great learning ground for me.  Three illustrations from just the last few days:

First  My Doctor told me that she has witnessed two main results in the emotions after a person's major surgery - depression or enlightenment. She said that she was seeing enlightenment in me. - that I looked different, acted different, and that my whole demeanor was different.   Hmmm, interesting feedback.  And validating.  I know that I'm experiencing the world differently, with different responses to things.  I feel the same though, just more clear.  Some of the things I value have changed, and the way I handle life happenings.  (Lesson:  Wherever I happen to be on my path in life is not 'good', not 'bad'.  I heard the Dr's comment simply as feedback, and as validation for my own experience.  No judgement. No thought of what that might, or might not, mean.  Nice.  It just feels 'clear'.)

Second:  A friend called last night to chat with me on the phone, while I was trying to cook dinner.  Before, I might have been so concerned with not 'hurting feelings' and 'inconveniencing' that I'd immediately stop or put off what I was doing to do what someone else wanted me to do instead. This time, I sent the message that I was not taking the call then, but cooking dinner.  I wanted to use my limited energy to cook, not talk.  Nothing personal, I chose to do something else important to me.  (Lesson:  I've never put myself first before like that.  I'm now doing less of what my enculturation has told me to do, and more of what is really best for - body, mind and spirit.  If communication is needful about it, we can talk another time.  No personal feelings attached, no guilt afterward.  It just feels 'clear' and very nice.)

Third:  I received a letter from my aunt today.  She has written to me often during my recovery.  Before, we hadn't been in touch for years.  I've been glad for the exchange of letters, looking forward to a deeper relationship with her.  This letter today was a bit different.  She told me again that she's been 'worried about me',...  but then she told me all the things I 'should' be doing, and time frames. She also admitted that she was only writing to help my mother, who isn't able to write (not for her own desire).  She blew off my past explanations, telling me 'what I really had meant'.  Hmmm.  (Lesson: I let the human emotion of disappointment, frustration, even loss wash through me unabated, rather than acting it out.  I let myself 'have it all'.  In the past I would have written back in an attempt to 'fix' the things with her. Today I was able to get to that more clear place deep within, and I read between the lines.  My dear aunt is wrapped up in her own world, having troubles of her own, and 'trying hard to do the right thing'.  She wants to be seen as a good person, and as a wise person.  I get it - I've been there. Lovinge my aunt, and accepting her without condition, is what is needed here.  No need to judge, no need to 'try hard' for a different result.  Compassion reminds me that she's 85 yrs old, proud of it, and wanting to be understood and appreciated, rather than trying to understand.  From the space of clarity, thoughts came to me  that I can act upon, that will help her to be happy where, and how, she is.  I like that.  It feels nice.)


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