The Halls of Learning

It's been four days since I've posted.  I could have said, "I got too busy", or, "I couldn't get to the computer because...."  Those are true, but it was nothing about anything 'of the physical world', really.  I've thought of posting, but it wasn't until this morning that I have found myself clear enough emotionally to do so.

Mostly, I've been dealing with grief.  I know that in our world, grief is usually acknowledged when someone close to us dies.  There are other losses that can be acknowledged here as well, such as the death of a much loved pet, a catastrophe, or changes in any meaningful situation..  Many losses are not usually mourned traditionally, such as the loss of our childhood.

This time for me, I deal with loss of a quality of relationship with people who I'd thought I had a close, loving relationship with.  And I'd had my expectations about what that might look and feel like.  Not that anyone has died, or that there has been a physical change, really.  That might be easier to deat with I think.  These last few days I have received unmistakable validation that some relationships themselves are different than I'd thought they were.  Umm.  Maybe different than I'd hoped they were.  Maybe this is how they've always been and I didn't see it.  Maybe I'm the one who has changed and I just don't want to 'play the game' anymore.  I'm still learning in this process, and it's still going on.

As part of the grieving process, I've checked and checked again, at what I've tried in the past, what I could try again, if there were anything new to try.  Nothing, nowhere.  Oh the pain of this kind of realization, and loss.  (Breathe, breathe, and just let the tears flow. Feel. Trust. Have it all, truly.  Let it can be as big as it is.)

My vision is now more open.  I see a broader picture. Much of life has been made up of 'conditional love' in relationship.  I've become aware of that in the past, but never to this extent.  I've tried hard to have love that had no conditions to it.  My history is chock full of "I love you, but...", and other forms of conditions around love and acceptance.  My parents, siblings, spouse, children, friends, teachers, leaders.  I do realize that each person has done the best they could in the moment - from their own unique perspective, with their own circumstances - and their own pain.  I've had this experience of realization before - but not with these particular people and these particular relationships.  This process now is opening me more deeply to qualities of loss and grief and change this time.

I'm getting it.  I'm learning.  I'm not saying it's all 'done' yet.  There is still a part of me I can feel that habitually wishes to try, saying "Don't let go yet - Keep trying - it's worth the effort - even if there is no response from the other side - even when their responses are cruel."  I see I've been conditioned and enculturated with thoughts grounded in hope for the future.  In the past, that hope soothed somewhat the pain of the present, and fueled the continuance of 'trying'.  It took a lot of energy.  It took a lot of HEART energy.

So much has been fueled by that very hope that saps energy.  As I look at my life, the results of all that hoping and trying have been small indeed, if at all.  Especially in relationships. I've been so conditioned to believe that what really 'matters' in life is doing, rather than being.  I lost myself in that.  I now know my do-ings really don't matter in the long term, except for learning. What matters is the 'I Am' of who I am, and be-ing that.  Each of us will 'do' what we will.  What we Do is about choice, learning, and the experience of it all.  The only thing we take with us is our Be-ing.  There's the dance.

So, I am allowing myself my human experience.  I've been finding myself retreating and going inside.  I do that when grief is present.  I cry at loss and at tenderness, both.  I laugh when I find humour.  I have what I have, notice the thought present in my mind, and I feel what I feel. 

I realize this is all part of 'The Process'.  For that I am grateful.  No, the experience isn't always fun.  (Good thing fun isn't a requirement in this process!)  Opening to what is 'new' is always scary.  To me it is anyway.  I must remember it's worth it though, especially when there's learning to be had.  Like now.