Wednesday, January 26, 2011

It's a different life now

I got my driver's license renewed yesterday.  There was 'red tape' so it took all day. But it's done now.  I'm realizing how much of my life has 'fallen through the cracks' over the years, just because my heart wasn't functioning well enough to get my brain the oxygen it needed to negotiate the systems of life.  The 'change of heart', physically, is the only variable I can see to how I was so unable to do things (school, legal, social, church, work) as well as I am now.  It's like magic.  Yes, I have to put forth effort, and I have to watch my energy, and take care of my recovering body in the process, but the whole path of 'doing life' is so much more clear now, than it ever has before. 

The only metaphor I can think of is the example of how we each, probably in some way or another, imagine to ourselves as children, "When I grow up, I want to be.....".  Usually, the sentence ends with some profession: Doctor, Lawyer, Garbage Truck Driver, ....Indian Chief.... something like that.  For me, now, I feel as if I've finally 'come into myself', in the very best of ways.  Sure, my body has aches and pains, but I feel whole, complete, without effort or 'missing parts' in the core of my essential self. 

Even yesterday, getting through all the 'red tape', it was different.  I noticed my thinking was more clear, my emotions calm, and my energy high.  Balanced, strong, and Smart!  I felt smart!  I heard that feedback when I was young, from parents and school teachers ("You are so smart), but it was always accompanied by the statement "...but, your don't perform as if you are.  You just need to try harder."  Ouch.  I was 'trying hard'.  That wasn't the problem.  I just couldn't access my 'smarts' as well as I could have if my brain has the oxygen it needed to function properly. 

No wonder it's a 'different life' now.


Sterling said...

Gwyneth, I am so happy for you! It brings tears to my eyes reading this posting that you just left.
You just keep making a great recovery, but just slowly.....


Gwyneth McNeil said...

Thanks Sterling - Give yourself a big hug for me.

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