Today is the first day in a week that I've had to wear my fingerless mittens during the day to keep my hands warm. Even then, I only wore a glove on my right hand, not on my left. Odd. My hands and feet have been so cold since my heart surgeries, and it's been hard to keep warm generally. But this last week was different. No mittens during the day, and when I went to the grocery store, I took off my heavy winter coat while I walked around shopping because I got too warm. That was a first.
Before the surgeries, I was always toasty warm, even sweating, most of the time, no matter how cold the weather. I don't even fog up the inside windows of my car very much anymore. It's like I have another body, in a way. Osteoarthritis in hips and knees still, but my general system is so much better.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Lucid Dream
I've been interested in lucid dreaming for years and years. And I've followed up with that by attending workshops, classes, working with 'lucid dream machines', keeping dream journals,.... All sorts of things. And since my heart surgery, my dreams have seemed to be more lucid, especially during that time of 'just before waking up'. This morning I experienced both at the same time - lucid dream, and pre-awakening consciousness of the here and now. I awoke in the middle of a lucid dream, where I was having an amazing experience I will remember forever, and at the same time slowly finding myself aware the 'present'. I could feel myself in my warm blankets, that I was laying on my side, and that the sunlight was shining through the closed curtains on the other side of the room. I became aware that I was having both experiences at the same time, and I did my best to slow everything down so it would 'stay that way' for awile. Wow. Really a cool experience. I think it's something I can even do better next time.
Another sroke for Lacy, and little sleep for me
Thursday night was rough. The day before my last day of Hypnosis Certification Training class, and Lacy had another stroke. It started a little after midnight, and her scratching movements and little moans woke me. It continued for hours, and her little moans turned into yaps and barks. At first I was worried about waking the man in the apartment downstairs, but then I remember we'd talked about this possibility before, and he was 'OK enough', so I dropped my concern. Her little body convulsed with jerks and her head started listing to the left. Poor baby. Friend Marcia took her and just held her (that's all that could be done), while I went back to bed, to get some more rest, if not sleep, in preparation for doing a full day coming up. Marcia was due at her work the next day too, but Lacy needed help. Marcia and I talked about the situation, and made a conscious decision to 'be' with Lacy, and trust the process, asking of a higher source for help to 'do' the next day.
That principle of 'asking' and 'receiving', to get human needs filled, works. I got about 4 1/2 hours sleep, and even though I started the day wondering how I'd get through, I did. Pretty amazing. As I write this, it's Sunday morning. Training is over for now, and I'm really happy with how things went. Each student seemed to get what they wanted out of their experience, and some value they hadn't expected, but which will serve them well. That was my intention. I'm glad it actually happened. And Lacy? She's wobbly, but better. She ate and drank just a little bit late last night, which was a good sign. And she slept all the way through the night. So did I - It was SO nice! Her head is still tilted over toward the left, and she is having troubles with her right front paw. I'm glad she's still here for a little while more though. She's such a sweeheart.
That principle of 'asking' and 'receiving', to get human needs filled, works. I got about 4 1/2 hours sleep, and even though I started the day wondering how I'd get through, I did. Pretty amazing. As I write this, it's Sunday morning. Training is over for now, and I'm really happy with how things went. Each student seemed to get what they wanted out of their experience, and some value they hadn't expected, but which will serve them well. That was my intention. I'm glad it actually happened. And Lacy? She's wobbly, but better. She ate and drank just a little bit late last night, which was a good sign. And she slept all the way through the night. So did I - It was SO nice! Her head is still tilted over toward the left, and she is having troubles with her right front paw. I'm glad she's still here for a little while more though. She's such a sweeheart.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Nausea - Sign of heart trouble in women
Well, well, well. I had no idea. I could have used that information all last summer. I had no idea my heart was in BIG trouble.
I was really struggling, not knowing why I was generally getting worse and worse, physically. I was following my regular doctor's orders, taking supplements, drinking water, and doing my best to "exercise and eat right". I was short of breath, but I'd had asthma since I was a child. I thought that's what it was. I did have a slight heaviness in my chest, but I'd thought that was probably related to the asthma too - and so said my doctor. And I had to keep sitting down and resting. I was tired all the time, but couldn't sleep well because it was so hard to breathe. And, there was a nausea I was having.. I didn't tell my doctor about the symptom, because it just didn't seem relevant to do so. I just 'powered through' the nausea as best I could, as we women have a tendency to do. I ate candied ginger, which helped., but it was getting to be every day, and even several times each day.
Then, the 'taking Lacy to the vet' incident happened (Sept. 2010), which made me suspect heart trouble. The rest is history, and here I AM, really. I remember now, that my heart surgeon told me afterward that my aortic valve itself was so bad (besides being too small for my heart), that it disintegrated in his hand. Those were his words. And the whole aortic core, which he rebuilt ('cuz it was too small too), was in similar shape. Pretty impressive. No wonder I didn't feel well.
I didn't know until yesterday (TV show reported that medical research) that nausea was one of the symptoms of heart trouble - especially for women. Because 'where there's one, there are a thousand more', I wonder how many women are walking around with the same problem, and not telling their doctor about it. I'll bet more heart-related deaths could be prevented. I was 'lucky', when my little doggie's vet told me about her heart and 'the light bulb went on' that got me in to talk again to my doctor about my heart. Before that, we'd thought it was more about asthma, and other things. When she listened to my heart, she said she heard a heart murmer, but when I asked, she didn't think it was terribly urgent - just something to be aware of and watch. Fifteen years ago, I'd had a whole battery of heart tests done because of my 'heart racing', and they said they didn't have a procedure to fix that then. Now they do. And my aorta problem must not have been big enough to 'catch' then. They said I had a little calcification, but not enough to worry about.
Apparently, heart trouble was at the root of so many things that have not been working right in my body for a long, long time. Including asthma..... I 'knock on wood' when I write this, but I've not needed to use my asthma inhaler since my surgery last September. And, with doctor's support, I weaned off my 2x daily Advair medication. And I'm OK. In fact, now I'm beginning to wonder if I still need my CPAP machine at night. It's seeming to 'get in the way' as much as it's 'helping' lately. Maybe it just needs adjusting. I'll check.
I was really struggling, not knowing why I was generally getting worse and worse, physically. I was following my regular doctor's orders, taking supplements, drinking water, and doing my best to "exercise and eat right". I was short of breath, but I'd had asthma since I was a child. I thought that's what it was. I did have a slight heaviness in my chest, but I'd thought that was probably related to the asthma too - and so said my doctor. And I had to keep sitting down and resting. I was tired all the time, but couldn't sleep well because it was so hard to breathe. And, there was a nausea I was having.. I didn't tell my doctor about the symptom, because it just didn't seem relevant to do so. I just 'powered through' the nausea as best I could, as we women have a tendency to do. I ate candied ginger, which helped., but it was getting to be every day, and even several times each day.
Then, the 'taking Lacy to the vet' incident happened (Sept. 2010), which made me suspect heart trouble. The rest is history, and here I AM, really. I remember now, that my heart surgeon told me afterward that my aortic valve itself was so bad (besides being too small for my heart), that it disintegrated in his hand. Those were his words. And the whole aortic core, which he rebuilt ('cuz it was too small too), was in similar shape. Pretty impressive. No wonder I didn't feel well.
I didn't know until yesterday (TV show reported that medical research) that nausea was one of the symptoms of heart trouble - especially for women. Because 'where there's one, there are a thousand more', I wonder how many women are walking around with the same problem, and not telling their doctor about it. I'll bet more heart-related deaths could be prevented. I was 'lucky', when my little doggie's vet told me about her heart and 'the light bulb went on' that got me in to talk again to my doctor about my heart. Before that, we'd thought it was more about asthma, and other things. When she listened to my heart, she said she heard a heart murmer, but when I asked, she didn't think it was terribly urgent - just something to be aware of and watch. Fifteen years ago, I'd had a whole battery of heart tests done because of my 'heart racing', and they said they didn't have a procedure to fix that then. Now they do. And my aorta problem must not have been big enough to 'catch' then. They said I had a little calcification, but not enough to worry about.
Apparently, heart trouble was at the root of so many things that have not been working right in my body for a long, long time. Including asthma..... I 'knock on wood' when I write this, but I've not needed to use my asthma inhaler since my surgery last September. And, with doctor's support, I weaned off my 2x daily Advair medication. And I'm OK. In fact, now I'm beginning to wonder if I still need my CPAP machine at night. It's seeming to 'get in the way' as much as it's 'helping' lately. Maybe it just needs adjusting. I'll check.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
It's a different life now
I got my driver's license renewed yesterday. There was 'red tape' so it took all day. But it's done now. I'm realizing how much of my life has 'fallen through the cracks' over the years, just because my heart wasn't functioning well enough to get my brain the oxygen it needed to negotiate the systems of life. The 'change of heart', physically, is the only variable I can see to how I was so unable to do things (school, legal, social, church, work) as well as I am now. It's like magic. Yes, I have to put forth effort, and I have to watch my energy, and take care of my recovering body in the process, but the whole path of 'doing life' is so much more clear now, than it ever has before.
The only metaphor I can think of is the example of how we each, probably in some way or another, imagine to ourselves as children, "When I grow up, I want to be.....". Usually, the sentence ends with some profession: Doctor, Lawyer, Garbage Truck Driver, ....Indian Chief.... something like that. For me, now, I feel as if I've finally 'come into myself', in the very best of ways. Sure, my body has aches and pains, but I feel whole, complete, without effort or 'missing parts' in the core of my essential self.
Even yesterday, getting through all the 'red tape', it was different. I noticed my thinking was more clear, my emotions calm, and my energy high. Balanced, strong, and Smart! I felt smart! I heard that feedback when I was young, from parents and school teachers ("You are so smart), but it was always accompanied by the statement "...but, your don't perform as if you are. You just need to try harder." Ouch. I was 'trying hard'. That wasn't the problem. I just couldn't access my 'smarts' as well as I could have if my brain has the oxygen it needed to function properly.
No wonder it's a 'different life' now.
The only metaphor I can think of is the example of how we each, probably in some way or another, imagine to ourselves as children, "When I grow up, I want to be.....". Usually, the sentence ends with some profession: Doctor, Lawyer, Garbage Truck Driver, ....Indian Chief.... something like that. For me, now, I feel as if I've finally 'come into myself', in the very best of ways. Sure, my body has aches and pains, but I feel whole, complete, without effort or 'missing parts' in the core of my essential self.
Even yesterday, getting through all the 'red tape', it was different. I noticed my thinking was more clear, my emotions calm, and my energy high. Balanced, strong, and Smart! I felt smart! I heard that feedback when I was young, from parents and school teachers ("You are so smart), but it was always accompanied by the statement "...but, your don't perform as if you are. You just need to try harder." Ouch. I was 'trying hard'. That wasn't the problem. I just couldn't access my 'smarts' as well as I could have if my brain has the oxygen it needed to function properly.
No wonder it's a 'different life' now.
Monday, January 24, 2011
(News from 'The Cave')
I'm stillI in my 'cave', resting, playing & resting today, but I just wanted to say:
I made it through the weekend with surprising grace and aplomb. Training Course went well, and during the Saturday family reunion, I only had to be 'helped' once, when I was on my way toward sitting down and I just didn't have enough strength and energy to make it. I'm grateful for the two people who rushed to my aid and saved me from disaster.
One question lingers today, leftover from Saturday's festivities - My father whispered to me after the event was over: "That was wonderful", he said. "It was like having my own funeral, only I was there to enjoy it." "Funeral" had not been my intention to create, even a 'really enjoyable' one. But I think his comment was SO Very Interesting - especially after the dream I posted about last week. Know what I mean?
Now, back to my cave.
I made it through the weekend with surprising grace and aplomb. Training Course went well, and during the Saturday family reunion, I only had to be 'helped' once, when I was on my way toward sitting down and I just didn't have enough strength and energy to make it. I'm grateful for the two people who rushed to my aid and saved me from disaster.
One question lingers today, leftover from Saturday's festivities - My father whispered to me after the event was over: "That was wonderful", he said. "It was like having my own funeral, only I was there to enjoy it." "Funeral" had not been my intention to create, even a 'really enjoyable' one. But I think his comment was SO Very Interesting - especially after the dream I posted about last week. Know what I mean?
Now, back to my cave.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Ready, Set,....
Today I'm getting 'ready', that by tonight I am 'set', to 'GO' the next three days solid. I will (most likely) have no break for neither rest nor relaxation. A full weekend of Hypnosis Certification Training is time-intensive itself, but all my preparations during the weekdays of the last 2 weeks plus, culminate this Saturday with the 'Family Gathering' I've put together in honor of the 'older generation'. And my daughter came into Salt Lakw City last night from PA, with her fiance, to introduce him to family during this weekend.
Because of my recent dream seeming to tell of my father's imminent demise, added to an already-felt sense of urgency in that regard, I've been devoting every spare moment and bit of energy this last while to producing this event of, whick I can see could be the 'last' family gathering for this part of my family. It will be interesting to see how events transpire. I will report here on the details, as I can.
I've made a 'courtesy announcement' to those I keep in close contact with (usually daily) to prepare to be 'snarled at' if they happen to interrupt me today. If the house is burning down, they'll have to make special effort to get my attention so I can get out in time. Knowing me, when I focus on something, I REALLY focus, to the exclusion of most everything else (for better and/or worse). I'm glad I have those in my life who love me and accept me 'anyway'.
So here I step, deeply into the forest of preparation, firmly on the path of 'GO'. And later, over three days from now on Sunday evening, when the Training is complete for the weekend and the Family Gathering is over and done, I will enter the cave of rest. I'll emerge only when I do - no sooner.
....Go!
Because of my recent dream seeming to tell of my father's imminent demise, added to an already-felt sense of urgency in that regard, I've been devoting every spare moment and bit of energy this last while to producing this event of, whick I can see could be the 'last' family gathering for this part of my family. It will be interesting to see how events transpire. I will report here on the details, as I can.
I've made a 'courtesy announcement' to those I keep in close contact with (usually daily) to prepare to be 'snarled at' if they happen to interrupt me today. If the house is burning down, they'll have to make special effort to get my attention so I can get out in time. Knowing me, when I focus on something, I REALLY focus, to the exclusion of most everything else (for better and/or worse). I'm glad I have those in my life who love me and accept me 'anyway'.
So here I step, deeply into the forest of preparation, firmly on the path of 'GO'. And later, over three days from now on Sunday evening, when the Training is complete for the weekend and the Family Gathering is over and done, I will enter the cave of rest. I'll emerge only when I do - no sooner.
....Go!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Peace and Chaos
In my world today there are both. Peace I'm left with after spending a wonderful weekend with amazing people at the Hypnosis Certification Training; (I'm relaxed,.... Breathing deeply,.... Feeling good,.... Feeling fine,..... Good);....
....and then there's the chaos. There is present such an underlying sense that 'the world' is falling apart in some way - not in a visual, "easily seen' way (although some of that is happening too), but more 'subterannean' if you will. 'Under the covers', where it's not easily seen by 'the eyes of man', even when it's right below our noses. Things looks tidy, nice, and oh so pretty (even in 'close' relationships) to the perviewing, judgmental eye, and the analytical brain easily takes over saying, "All is well in my world."
To me, I see marked signs of that chaos in 'good-looking' relationships I see, and in the function or organizations I am familiar with. The structure looks good, but the function is failing.
When I put my attention to it (and sometimes even when I don't) the rumble of discontent is unmistakable. That sense of chaos 'on the move' has even been interrupting my night's sleep at times, with a sense of impending 'explosion' or 'implosion' of some sort. I look at my own physical surroundings, keenly investigating, and the plans and doings of my own days, and I seem to see nothing amiss. I've been asking for feedback from a few closely trusted 'others' in my life, to help me with this. Honest feedback help me see better, even when it doesn't feel all that good sometimes. Honest feedback always helps me make more sound assessments and decision about things. But, the feedback I'm getting so far is that as far as what I am personally responsible for, nothing seems awry. (Of course, there are always adjustments to be made in our own lives, internally and externally, but even that doesn't explain what's 'left over' here, after doing all I can do.)
The rumble of 'chaos' remains.
....and then there's the chaos. There is present such an underlying sense that 'the world' is falling apart in some way - not in a visual, "easily seen' way (although some of that is happening too), but more 'subterannean' if you will. 'Under the covers', where it's not easily seen by 'the eyes of man', even when it's right below our noses. Things looks tidy, nice, and oh so pretty (even in 'close' relationships) to the perviewing, judgmental eye, and the analytical brain easily takes over saying, "All is well in my world."
To me, I see marked signs of that chaos in 'good-looking' relationships I see, and in the function or organizations I am familiar with. The structure looks good, but the function is failing.
When I put my attention to it (and sometimes even when I don't) the rumble of discontent is unmistakable. That sense of chaos 'on the move' has even been interrupting my night's sleep at times, with a sense of impending 'explosion' or 'implosion' of some sort. I look at my own physical surroundings, keenly investigating, and the plans and doings of my own days, and I seem to see nothing amiss. I've been asking for feedback from a few closely trusted 'others' in my life, to help me with this. Honest feedback help me see better, even when it doesn't feel all that good sometimes. Honest feedback always helps me make more sound assessments and decision about things. But, the feedback I'm getting so far is that as far as what I am personally responsible for, nothing seems awry. (Of course, there are always adjustments to be made in our own lives, internally and externally, but even that doesn't explain what's 'left over' here, after doing all I can do.)
The rumble of 'chaos' remains.
