I picked up the Church hymnbook with the intention of singing the whole thing. (Who says I still don't have the impulses to 'do it all at once'.) With my heart functioning better, I planned to sing all the songs I knew - which are quite a few. In an effort to be wise, I planned to just sing the section of songs about 'Gratitude'.
I got through the first verse of the first song - and tears started coming. "Oh my goodness", I thought, "Not again." Why couldn't I sing without crying? What was going on? My roommate came in (Marcia), and I started telling her about what was going on. As usual, as I spoke, understanding came. I saw so clearly how the words of the song were being transported to my soul, through my emotions, by the music. Many times before I had been able to read the words, nodding my head in the recognition, understanding, and agreement. But putting the music to them, and singing the words in my own voice, had a different effect entirely. I never would have thought.
I cried for awhile, and talked, and cried some more. When the tears subsided, I sang again - the whole song - all four verses. I felt such peace and joy reverbrating through my enitre soul as I finished. The quality of energy and power within was marvelous, and it took me easily through the busy-ness of the entire day following. And from just one song! Awesome.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Saturday, November 27, 2010
We trick ourselves
Yes we do. How do I know? Because I do it myself, and wherever there is the voice of one, there are the voices of a thousand others.
I stepped on the scales to weigh myself this morning and I was surprised. No, I was shocked! How could a body weigh four and 1/2 pounds more than it did just a few days ago! Wow. I thought I had more control over my weight than that. It's Thanksgiving's fault. Magically it took it's toll, that's it. If I needed something to blame it on, there it is.
Of course I was careful not to put 'too much' on my plate, not to have 'too much' pie, not to snack 'too much' on all the goodies in between times, and not to have 'too many' tastes of all the yummy things I cooked up in the kitchen. That was my intention anyway. I was even proud of myself after enjoying a lucsious Thanksgiving dinner that I'd kept my amounts in check and I didn't have that 'too stuffed' feeling when I'd finished eating. That's why I was so surprised when the needle on the scales hit so many pounds higher today than it did just two days ago. Somebody must have fooled me. Somebody must have been behind me and put a rock on the scales while I was weighing myself. That's all I can figure.
I stepped on the scales to weigh myself this morning and I was surprised. No, I was shocked! How could a body weigh four and 1/2 pounds more than it did just a few days ago! Wow. I thought I had more control over my weight than that. It's Thanksgiving's fault. Magically it took it's toll, that's it. If I needed something to blame it on, there it is.
Of course I was careful not to put 'too much' on my plate, not to have 'too much' pie, not to snack 'too much' on all the goodies in between times, and not to have 'too many' tastes of all the yummy things I cooked up in the kitchen. That was my intention anyway. I was even proud of myself after enjoying a lucsious Thanksgiving dinner that I'd kept my amounts in check and I didn't have that 'too stuffed' feeling when I'd finished eating. That's why I was so surprised when the needle on the scales hit so many pounds higher today than it did just two days ago. Somebody must have fooled me. Somebody must have been behind me and put a rock on the scales while I was weighing myself. That's all I can figure.
Friday, November 26, 2010
The day after
Thanksgiving day was indeed wonderful. Peaceful company, bountiful goodness on the table, beautiful tableware gathered from here and there - and every bowl that could be gathered was full. The overflowing table was mainly the results of gardening, and a week of cooking.
And then there was today. Sinks still brimming with odd dishes, even though we'd worked on washing them. Pans still needed scraping, and all those little bits of flour and other little food spills hiding around the food processor and under the cutting board. Someone's been cooking in my kitchen, I can see.
There was just too much relaxing and 'just hanging out' to be done. Cleaning up in the kitchen has been too boring to even think about. And there was certainly too much to be done all at once. Little pieces of work, that's the plan. This slow and lazy day has given me time to think, though. Little bits of understanding, waves of gratitude, and questions to ponder over time.
And then there was today. Sinks still brimming with odd dishes, even though we'd worked on washing them. Pans still needed scraping, and all those little bits of flour and other little food spills hiding around the food processor and under the cutting board. Someone's been cooking in my kitchen, I can see.
There was just too much relaxing and 'just hanging out' to be done. Cleaning up in the kitchen has been too boring to even think about. And there was certainly too much to be done all at once. Little pieces of work, that's the plan. This slow and lazy day has given me time to think, though. Little bits of understanding, waves of gratitude, and questions to ponder over time.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Tradition
I'm so grateful I'm feeling well enough to prepare and cook most of this Thanksgiving dinner. Even though it's requiring lots of extra care because I'm not at my best, physically, it's gratifying and fun for me. I notice there are two sides to every coin though. I saw an ad yesterday on a local restaurant for a full holiday dinner for $9.99, and $8.99 for seniors. They offered a buffet, so there would probably be many choices. The thoughts of an 'easy' Thanksgiving dinner were tempting. Maybe next year? If I just 'went out to dinner', I wouldn't have to purchase, prep, or cook anything. All I'd have to do is sit down to- the results of what someone else had done. Hmmm. And no leftovers- good and bad. And no fun of digging my own root vegetables from the Garden, no enjoyment of making food with my own special twist, no yummy smells filling the house, and..., and.... Well, maybe not. It would just be 'going to dinner'. Each holiday, each year, each situation, merits it's own decision. This time, no. Next time,... We'll see.
The thought itself is tempting though. Because of that, I wonder where I may not be totally 'clear' about something I'm doing, or I've worked too hard and tired myself out unnessarily. Ah hah. There's a way I can use the very appearance of that thought to help me see what's really happening, underneath, especially if it sounds tempting to me. That's a good way to use that thought- to help me in getting more clear on what I'm doing in the present and the real reasons I'm doing something.
I want my actions to be from a clear, conscious place within me - not from unconsciousness, habit, or tradition. Especially not tradition. I've found that when tradition (which is meant to 'make meaning), is acted upon from or in unconsciousness, it makes no meaning whatsoever. And sometimes it ends up being negative. If doing a traditional task is actually meaningful, the 'pluses' outweigh the 'minuses', and the doings are my own choice, then it's worth my effort. That makes it simple.
The thought itself is tempting though. Because of that, I wonder where I may not be totally 'clear' about something I'm doing, or I've worked too hard and tired myself out unnessarily. Ah hah. There's a way I can use the very appearance of that thought to help me see what's really happening, underneath, especially if it sounds tempting to me. That's a good way to use that thought- to help me in getting more clear on what I'm doing in the present and the real reasons I'm doing something.
I want my actions to be from a clear, conscious place within me - not from unconsciousness, habit, or tradition. Especially not tradition. I've found that when tradition (which is meant to 'make meaning), is acted upon from or in unconsciousness, it makes no meaning whatsoever. And sometimes it ends up being negative. If doing a traditional task is actually meaningful, the 'pluses' outweigh the 'minuses', and the doings are my own choice, then it's worth my effort. That makes it simple.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Priorities
I followed my 'to-do-' lists today, along with all the notes I'd made about 'what to do when'. And I found out that writing it down is not the same as being able to get it done. I worked all day and only had two things left to cook ahead. I grabbed something to eat for dinner and sat down on the couch to rest while I ate. That did it. I found myself eating more and more slowly, drank 1/2 my glass of water, and closed my eyes 'just for a minute'. Oops. I woke up quite awhile later with a kink in my neck, and a loss of a sense of time and place. It took me a few minutes to get oriented again. I must have been really tired.
The decision was made. I guess both those new recipes- the 'Spicy Cranberry Chutney', and the 'Green Tomato and Apple Pie'- will wait to be made after Thanksgiving is over, not before. Priorities. Trying to squeeze them in tomorrow won't work. If I'm going to get in my Physical Therapy tomorrow, I can't take any more time to cook.
I am proud of myself that I got as much done as I did. I can see that I need to learn better balance between what I want to do, and what's best for me to do though. I'm actually glad my body just gave up on me, so I wouldn't 'push through it' and over-tax myself. I've done that in the past, and I've found I always pay the price later.
The decision was made. I guess both those new recipes- the 'Spicy Cranberry Chutney', and the 'Green Tomato and Apple Pie'- will wait to be made after Thanksgiving is over, not before. Priorities. Trying to squeeze them in tomorrow won't work. If I'm going to get in my Physical Therapy tomorrow, I can't take any more time to cook.
I am proud of myself that I got as much done as I did. I can see that I need to learn better balance between what I want to do, and what's best for me to do though. I'm actually glad my body just gave up on me, so I wouldn't 'push through it' and over-tax myself. I've done that in the past, and I've found I always pay the price later.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Wintery weather
The first snow has fallen, and the wind has a winter nip to it. The temperature is the same as the coolest of the Fall temps, but I found myself digging for my mittens and pulling on a warmer coat today. It smells crisp and clean. Since my surgery I seem to be more sensitive to cold. My fingers get cold more easily, and I need to be careful to layer an extra sweater over my shirt, even inside during the daytime.
I had 'blues' about this cold coming though, because I knew the snapdragons in the pots on the balcony are going to freeze and die. So far, they've liked the cooler temperatures, growing so very lush and green. No blossoms, but the leaves are beautiful. I keep thinking, "Maybe if I brought them indoors and tended them through the winter they'd bloom again." I've tried that before in past years though, and they need more light that I can give them indoors. The smartest thing is for me to say to them, "Thank you, and goodbye. You've been wonderful plants this year." Next year, I'll start fresh.
One thing I like about this cooler time of year, is that my balcony acts like a second refrigerator. It's nice to be able to keep certain things out in the cold. They don't freeze at night, and it doesn't get too warm for them during the day. Today, I put the turkey out there. It will be just perfect to pop into the oven for Thanksgiving in a few days.
I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving this year. Sometimes I haven't. There has been a lot of heartache for me about Thanksgiving, and the way it's 'supposed to be' traditionally. I gave trying some years ago. But this year seems to be different for some reason. I've even written a menu plan, and I'll be trying some new recipes. Dorie said she'd help me, because I'm still not up to lots of cooking yet. It will be a small Thanksgiving, with just me and Dorie and Marcia. Nice and quiet, with truly loving friends for company. Sounds good to me!
I had 'blues' about this cold coming though, because I knew the snapdragons in the pots on the balcony are going to freeze and die. So far, they've liked the cooler temperatures, growing so very lush and green. No blossoms, but the leaves are beautiful. I keep thinking, "Maybe if I brought them indoors and tended them through the winter they'd bloom again." I've tried that before in past years though, and they need more light that I can give them indoors. The smartest thing is for me to say to them, "Thank you, and goodbye. You've been wonderful plants this year." Next year, I'll start fresh.
One thing I like about this cooler time of year, is that my balcony acts like a second refrigerator. It's nice to be able to keep certain things out in the cold. They don't freeze at night, and it doesn't get too warm for them during the day. Today, I put the turkey out there. It will be just perfect to pop into the oven for Thanksgiving in a few days.
I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving this year. Sometimes I haven't. There has been a lot of heartache for me about Thanksgiving, and the way it's 'supposed to be' traditionally. I gave trying some years ago. But this year seems to be different for some reason. I've even written a menu plan, and I'll be trying some new recipes. Dorie said she'd help me, because I'm still not up to lots of cooking yet. It will be a small Thanksgiving, with just me and Dorie and Marcia. Nice and quiet, with truly loving friends for company. Sounds good to me!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Heart-lifting news!
The thought crossed my mind to call a friend for a chat. I don't talk to him often, and it was good to touch base. He said he has been enjoying my writings on the blog. I didn't even know he was reading! (Sometimes I've wondered if anyone 'tunes in', and if my words are helpful at all.) I shared with him some of my 'I've wondered if it's really worth it' concerns, and he reassured me that not only is he reading, but that "the way I put things" and "my telling of my own experiences" has been helping him understand things better on his own journey in life. Yahoo! What delight, what joy for me! I've wanted to 'make a positive difference' for as long as I can remember. I'm tickled that I can, and that I am.
Whenever I've had doubts about whether continuing writing was of worth or not, I often remembered how hard it has been for me before to share with another person about my own doubts, fears, feelings and discoveries. Judgement runs rampant in this world, and even those of us who are 'working on our issues' catch ourselves in judgement sometimes. I know I do. I'm just quicker at letting go of attachment to judgement than I used to be, and going to a more clear place about things. Still, it takes courage to share what's real in the process. I never know how it will be received.
So for now, I feel good about writing and sharing my experience. Maybe tomorrow will be different - Maybe even the very next minute. But right now the remarks that my friend shared with me about how my writings have been 'worth it' to him, make it more 'worth it' for me to keep making the effort. I'm grateful.
Whenever I've had doubts about whether continuing writing was of worth or not, I often remembered how hard it has been for me before to share with another person about my own doubts, fears, feelings and discoveries. Judgement runs rampant in this world, and even those of us who are 'working on our issues' catch ourselves in judgement sometimes. I know I do. I'm just quicker at letting go of attachment to judgement than I used to be, and going to a more clear place about things. Still, it takes courage to share what's real in the process. I never know how it will be received.
So for now, I feel good about writing and sharing my experience. Maybe tomorrow will be different - Maybe even the very next minute. But right now the remarks that my friend shared with me about how my writings have been 'worth it' to him, make it more 'worth it' for me to keep making the effort. I'm grateful.
Mud and questions and lessons
As I mentioned, my new heart function helped me be able to sing last Sunday, for the first time in years. And I have been singing since. Something else happened though. Mud, awareness, and mud clearing away. Here's what I mean. I know that what goes on with the physical has emotional components, and vice versa. I've experienced it before, and I've coached others in this area. Even so, it's unexpected when it hits me, again. And it felt like mud! I couldn't see through it, it was 'icky', and I wanted to be clear of it.
My face was wet with tears, my body wracked with sobs. At first, I was puzzled. I had no idea what was going on. The lessons came trickling in. The 'mud' seemed to be connected with feelings of sadness, anger, embarrassment and grief all combined. When I tried to look for any causes, at first all I could see was the mud. Emotions are pretty muddy and swampy sometimes, not clear at all. Same here. So I let it 'be' for awhile, and just allowed myself to cry,.... and talk.
It helps me when I talk with another person - someone I trust - in times like this. Not that they have any answers for me, necessarily. But as I talk, awareness and answers emerge into my consciousness. And sometimes questions. When I allow myself to 'be with' those questions (rather than seeking for answers and conclusions), I become more conscious again of what's going on. Ah-hah! More answers! The 'mud' starts clearing.
Now I know so much more about what the sadness, the anger, embarrassment and grief were really about. I am more aware of so many of the life situations that have prevented me from "feeling like" singing - to the point that it becoming impossible for me to do. Of course, having it physically become more and more difficult didn't help, I'm sure.
Does the emotional create the physical? Does the physical create the emotional? Since my Doctors have heart condition (aortic valve and core were 'too small' for my heart) is genetic, could there be an emotional link as well, that continues to run in my family? Hmmm. And also, because my heart has genetically (also) had problems with racing, etc., could I have ever been physicall and/or emotionally been trully able to naturally love 'rightly', or has it always been a struggle? Is this one of the reasons why I love 'differently' now, and loving feels more 'clear' to me now, than it did before? I may not be one to teach about this, but I certainly am learning. Questions remain.
Now, it's a safe time in my life. Now I can have 'me' without guilt and shame. Now I can breathe - both physically and emotionally. I look back, and I was able to do neither fully, ever since I was born. Life in interesting, is it not?
My face was wet with tears, my body wracked with sobs. At first, I was puzzled. I had no idea what was going on. The lessons came trickling in. The 'mud' seemed to be connected with feelings of sadness, anger, embarrassment and grief all combined. When I tried to look for any causes, at first all I could see was the mud. Emotions are pretty muddy and swampy sometimes, not clear at all. Same here. So I let it 'be' for awhile, and just allowed myself to cry,.... and talk.
It helps me when I talk with another person - someone I trust - in times like this. Not that they have any answers for me, necessarily. But as I talk, awareness and answers emerge into my consciousness. And sometimes questions. When I allow myself to 'be with' those questions (rather than seeking for answers and conclusions), I become more conscious again of what's going on. Ah-hah! More answers! The 'mud' starts clearing.
Now I know so much more about what the sadness, the anger, embarrassment and grief were really about. I am more aware of so many of the life situations that have prevented me from "feeling like" singing - to the point that it becoming impossible for me to do. Of course, having it physically become more and more difficult didn't help, I'm sure.
Does the emotional create the physical? Does the physical create the emotional? Since my Doctors have heart condition (aortic valve and core were 'too small' for my heart) is genetic, could there be an emotional link as well, that continues to run in my family? Hmmm. And also, because my heart has genetically (also) had problems with racing, etc., could I have ever been physicall and/or emotionally been trully able to naturally love 'rightly', or has it always been a struggle? Is this one of the reasons why I love 'differently' now, and loving feels more 'clear' to me now, than it did before? I may not be one to teach about this, but I certainly am learning. Questions remain.
Now, it's a safe time in my life. Now I can have 'me' without guilt and shame. Now I can breathe - both physically and emotionally. I look back, and I was able to do neither fully, ever since I was born. Life in interesting, is it not?
