Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Wholeness
As a person in relationship of any sort, job is not to assist another in walking in wholeness, but to walk in wholeness with them.
In Relationship - Being a helper versus really helping
I've known there was a difference for a long time now. And in my private practice, with clients, I do my best to do the latter. However, I haven't experienced such a clear difference in my own life until this last week. I've felt prompted in the last few months to build a friendship with someone I didn't know before. She is a marvelous person, with gifts and talents 'par excellance'. We share of the same ideas and feelings, and our bond has grown strongly. I've also developed a deep affection for her husband and children,... and even her pets,... at the same time.. But there's a problem - a little things that gets in the way of our really 'relaxing into intimacy' so to speak. (Of course, there are so many more ways to be 'intimate' than requiring taking your clothes off. You know what I mean.) The problem? She continues to 'try to help' me. She seems to be so sure I need just the kind of help that she can give.
It's not the sharing of food that I object to. I enjoy it when someone shares their food creations with me, especially when they enjoy what I share back to them in return. It's really quite fun. But it's the attitude I'm being approached with that is getting in my way. There is this constant, underlying feeling of, "Here, let me help you understand how much 'better' I am than you are, and how you can be that way too, with my help." She's not said any words to this effect - except when she has, but not as clearly as I just described it. It's the 'feeling'. Her words are as if she expects a judgment of some sort from me. And that's not something that I experience in my own mind and heart about her at all. I love her dearly. And when I 'look inside' (and I do), I love her without conditions of any sort. It's not about that. I wonder if it's about her own fear of some sort, being projected out upon me. All I know is that it isn't 'clear' and I feel uncomfortable in the presence of that.
Ah well. In the past I would have been a bit heartsick about this, because I hadn't found 'the connection' I'd sought, and put time and energy into building. I may have even blamed the other person, or circumstances, for it. But now I just feel a bit sad. I still love her, and that will probably never change. She's on her own path, as I am on mine. I'll probably see her from time to time still. But there will be no more effort on my part to share 'of the spirit' to the level I have before. My experiences seem to be deemed as worthy of judgment of being 'less that', even 'wrong', that I might be 'fixed', and brought into some sort of wholeness by her.
I know that each of us has our lessons to learn, and it requires certain situations, with certain experiences, to do that. Hence, this situation, now. In the face of this, I'm learning how to set my own boundaries even more clearly, without judement, without blame, without irritation of any sort, but acceptance. Even the sadness wanes now as I 'have it' more fully, knowing the loss of something I'd hoped for, wanted, yet was unable to really relax into, thus really enjoy.
What I know about myself is that I go for a quality of intimacy in relationship that is not always easy to find. What I realize more fully now is that each relationship will not dip as deeply from that well of spirit and trust as another does. And I'm learning to accept that. It's not always easy. Just simple. And my heartache? What I really want is a certain quality of intimacy in relationship with every being. I used to make it my fault that I was not worthy of that. Not at all. It just doesn't happen. It's just that I want that quality of intimacy with everyone I care about, because that's really 'fills'. There's the fullness of joy. Nothing short of that fills the bill. My friend wants something other than thant (self validation?) more than she does the intimacy. It appears she wants to needed by me.
We all address neediness issues, but it doesn't fill the need to reach down and pull someone else up. That just feeds our ego. Issues of neediness are often still in the way. They need to be cleared for there to be an equal and honoring exchange of validation in relationship. Then there is no need, just sharing. That's what I want. In my practice I facilitate others in clearing those base issues so that they may have the kind of relationships that really fill - equal, honoring, true intimacy. These relationships are truly healing. And the process begins with a quality of unconditional acceptance of self, and other.
Only when we have a solid ground to build upon, our castles of sharing and love in relationship are built.
It's not the sharing of food that I object to. I enjoy it when someone shares their food creations with me, especially when they enjoy what I share back to them in return. It's really quite fun. But it's the attitude I'm being approached with that is getting in my way. There is this constant, underlying feeling of, "Here, let me help you understand how much 'better' I am than you are, and how you can be that way too, with my help." She's not said any words to this effect - except when she has, but not as clearly as I just described it. It's the 'feeling'. Her words are as if she expects a judgment of some sort from me. And that's not something that I experience in my own mind and heart about her at all. I love her dearly. And when I 'look inside' (and I do), I love her without conditions of any sort. It's not about that. I wonder if it's about her own fear of some sort, being projected out upon me. All I know is that it isn't 'clear' and I feel uncomfortable in the presence of that.
Ah well. In the past I would have been a bit heartsick about this, because I hadn't found 'the connection' I'd sought, and put time and energy into building. I may have even blamed the other person, or circumstances, for it. But now I just feel a bit sad. I still love her, and that will probably never change. She's on her own path, as I am on mine. I'll probably see her from time to time still. But there will be no more effort on my part to share 'of the spirit' to the level I have before. My experiences seem to be deemed as worthy of judgment of being 'less that', even 'wrong', that I might be 'fixed', and brought into some sort of wholeness by her.
I know that each of us has our lessons to learn, and it requires certain situations, with certain experiences, to do that. Hence, this situation, now. In the face of this, I'm learning how to set my own boundaries even more clearly, without judement, without blame, without irritation of any sort, but acceptance. Even the sadness wanes now as I 'have it' more fully, knowing the loss of something I'd hoped for, wanted, yet was unable to really relax into, thus really enjoy.
What I know about myself is that I go for a quality of intimacy in relationship that is not always easy to find. What I realize more fully now is that each relationship will not dip as deeply from that well of spirit and trust as another does. And I'm learning to accept that. It's not always easy. Just simple. And my heartache? What I really want is a certain quality of intimacy in relationship with every being. I used to make it my fault that I was not worthy of that. Not at all. It just doesn't happen. It's just that I want that quality of intimacy with everyone I care about, because that's really 'fills'. There's the fullness of joy. Nothing short of that fills the bill. My friend wants something other than thant (self validation?) more than she does the intimacy. It appears she wants to needed by me.
We all address neediness issues, but it doesn't fill the need to reach down and pull someone else up. That just feeds our ego. Issues of neediness are often still in the way. They need to be cleared for there to be an equal and honoring exchange of validation in relationship. Then there is no need, just sharing. That's what I want. In my practice I facilitate others in clearing those base issues so that they may have the kind of relationships that really fill - equal, honoring, true intimacy. These relationships are truly healing. And the process begins with a quality of unconditional acceptance of self, and other.
Only when we have a solid ground to build upon, our castles of sharing and love in relationship are built.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Lucid Dreaming again. No, Co-Dreaming
I had an experience years ago when I was personally studying with a woman who was well-taught by a White Mountain Apache medicine woman. At one point during my first year of study with her, while she was coaching me in dream work, I shared a dream I'd had the night before, with her in it. She stopped me mid-sentence, and finished telling me about the dream. We'd approached the dream subject from our own unique perspectives, had our individual experiences, but it was the 'same dream', essentially. I've never forgotten how amazing that was.
Well, a few nights ago (years later, a totally different cirsumstance) it happened again. As I was sharing a dream from the night before with my friend Marcia, and that she'd appeared in my dream, she suddenly got looked very pensive. When I was finished, she told me of her own dream, and the unmistakable elements where we had shared the same dream. Again, amazing. It reminds me of when I was teaching some lucid dream workshops during the mid-1990's, and we'd end the class by saying, "See you in the dreamtime'. I had one distinct experience then of sharing a dream with someone, where we both walked toward a blazing bonfire on the beach, conversed for awhile, and then went our separate ways. Since it happened during the Friday night of a Friday and Saturday workshop, we were able to share the dream the next day.
Being a 'closet scientist', I wonder if there have been any scientific studies done on what the Australiam Aborigines call Dreamtime? I wonder if, when people sleep together in close quarters, their brain waves come to be more in sync with one another? Similar to women's menstrual cycles becoming in sync when they live together in a group? And, because the brain wave of natural sleep is different than when someone is in hypnosis, what may the difference in the brain waves of one who is dreaming, and/or lucid dreaming, and/or co-dreaming?
Well, a few nights ago (years later, a totally different cirsumstance) it happened again. As I was sharing a dream from the night before with my friend Marcia, and that she'd appeared in my dream, she suddenly got looked very pensive. When I was finished, she told me of her own dream, and the unmistakable elements where we had shared the same dream. Again, amazing. It reminds me of when I was teaching some lucid dream workshops during the mid-1990's, and we'd end the class by saying, "See you in the dreamtime'. I had one distinct experience then of sharing a dream with someone, where we both walked toward a blazing bonfire on the beach, conversed for awhile, and then went our separate ways. Since it happened during the Friday night of a Friday and Saturday workshop, we were able to share the dream the next day.
Being a 'closet scientist', I wonder if there have been any scientific studies done on what the Australiam Aborigines call Dreamtime? I wonder if, when people sleep together in close quarters, their brain waves come to be more in sync with one another? Similar to women's menstrual cycles becoming in sync when they live together in a group? And, because the brain wave of natural sleep is different than when someone is in hypnosis, what may the difference in the brain waves of one who is dreaming, and/or lucid dreaming, and/or co-dreaming?
Body temperature changes,.... Still
Today is the first day in a week that I've had to wear my fingerless mittens during the day to keep my hands warm. Even then, I only wore a glove on my right hand, not on my left. Odd. My hands and feet have been so cold since my heart surgeries, and it's been hard to keep warm generally. But this last week was different. No mittens during the day, and when I went to the grocery store, I took off my heavy winter coat while I walked around shopping because I got too warm. That was a first.
Before the surgeries, I was always toasty warm, even sweating, most of the time, no matter how cold the weather. I don't even fog up the inside windows of my car very much anymore. It's like I have another body, in a way. Osteoarthritis in hips and knees still, but my general system is so much better.
Before the surgeries, I was always toasty warm, even sweating, most of the time, no matter how cold the weather. I don't even fog up the inside windows of my car very much anymore. It's like I have another body, in a way. Osteoarthritis in hips and knees still, but my general system is so much better.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Lucid Dream
I've been interested in lucid dreaming for years and years. And I've followed up with that by attending workshops, classes, working with 'lucid dream machines', keeping dream journals,.... All sorts of things. And since my heart surgery, my dreams have seemed to be more lucid, especially during that time of 'just before waking up'. This morning I experienced both at the same time - lucid dream, and pre-awakening consciousness of the here and now. I awoke in the middle of a lucid dream, where I was having an amazing experience I will remember forever, and at the same time slowly finding myself aware the 'present'. I could feel myself in my warm blankets, that I was laying on my side, and that the sunlight was shining through the closed curtains on the other side of the room. I became aware that I was having both experiences at the same time, and I did my best to slow everything down so it would 'stay that way' for awile. Wow. Really a cool experience. I think it's something I can even do better next time.
Another sroke for Lacy, and little sleep for me
Thursday night was rough. The day before my last day of Hypnosis Certification Training class, and Lacy had another stroke. It started a little after midnight, and her scratching movements and little moans woke me. It continued for hours, and her little moans turned into yaps and barks. At first I was worried about waking the man in the apartment downstairs, but then I remember we'd talked about this possibility before, and he was 'OK enough', so I dropped my concern. Her little body convulsed with jerks and her head started listing to the left. Poor baby. Friend Marcia took her and just held her (that's all that could be done), while I went back to bed, to get some more rest, if not sleep, in preparation for doing a full day coming up. Marcia was due at her work the next day too, but Lacy needed help. Marcia and I talked about the situation, and made a conscious decision to 'be' with Lacy, and trust the process, asking of a higher source for help to 'do' the next day.
That principle of 'asking' and 'receiving', to get human needs filled, works. I got about 4 1/2 hours sleep, and even though I started the day wondering how I'd get through, I did. Pretty amazing. As I write this, it's Sunday morning. Training is over for now, and I'm really happy with how things went. Each student seemed to get what they wanted out of their experience, and some value they hadn't expected, but which will serve them well. That was my intention. I'm glad it actually happened. And Lacy? She's wobbly, but better. She ate and drank just a little bit late last night, which was a good sign. And she slept all the way through the night. So did I - It was SO nice! Her head is still tilted over toward the left, and she is having troubles with her right front paw. I'm glad she's still here for a little while more though. She's such a sweeheart.
That principle of 'asking' and 'receiving', to get human needs filled, works. I got about 4 1/2 hours sleep, and even though I started the day wondering how I'd get through, I did. Pretty amazing. As I write this, it's Sunday morning. Training is over for now, and I'm really happy with how things went. Each student seemed to get what they wanted out of their experience, and some value they hadn't expected, but which will serve them well. That was my intention. I'm glad it actually happened. And Lacy? She's wobbly, but better. She ate and drank just a little bit late last night, which was a good sign. And she slept all the way through the night. So did I - It was SO nice! Her head is still tilted over toward the left, and she is having troubles with her right front paw. I'm glad she's still here for a little while more though. She's such a sweeheart.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Nausea - Sign of heart trouble in women
Well, well, well. I had no idea. I could have used that information all last summer. I had no idea my heart was in BIG trouble.
I was really struggling, not knowing why I was generally getting worse and worse, physically. I was following my regular doctor's orders, taking supplements, drinking water, and doing my best to "exercise and eat right". I was short of breath, but I'd had asthma since I was a child. I thought that's what it was. I did have a slight heaviness in my chest, but I'd thought that was probably related to the asthma too - and so said my doctor. And I had to keep sitting down and resting. I was tired all the time, but couldn't sleep well because it was so hard to breathe. And, there was a nausea I was having.. I didn't tell my doctor about the symptom, because it just didn't seem relevant to do so. I just 'powered through' the nausea as best I could, as we women have a tendency to do. I ate candied ginger, which helped., but it was getting to be every day, and even several times each day.
Then, the 'taking Lacy to the vet' incident happened (Sept. 2010), which made me suspect heart trouble. The rest is history, and here I AM, really. I remember now, that my heart surgeon told me afterward that my aortic valve itself was so bad (besides being too small for my heart), that it disintegrated in his hand. Those were his words. And the whole aortic core, which he rebuilt ('cuz it was too small too), was in similar shape. Pretty impressive. No wonder I didn't feel well.
I didn't know until yesterday (TV show reported that medical research) that nausea was one of the symptoms of heart trouble - especially for women. Because 'where there's one, there are a thousand more', I wonder how many women are walking around with the same problem, and not telling their doctor about it. I'll bet more heart-related deaths could be prevented. I was 'lucky', when my little doggie's vet told me about her heart and 'the light bulb went on' that got me in to talk again to my doctor about my heart. Before that, we'd thought it was more about asthma, and other things. When she listened to my heart, she said she heard a heart murmer, but when I asked, she didn't think it was terribly urgent - just something to be aware of and watch. Fifteen years ago, I'd had a whole battery of heart tests done because of my 'heart racing', and they said they didn't have a procedure to fix that then. Now they do. And my aorta problem must not have been big enough to 'catch' then. They said I had a little calcification, but not enough to worry about.
Apparently, heart trouble was at the root of so many things that have not been working right in my body for a long, long time. Including asthma..... I 'knock on wood' when I write this, but I've not needed to use my asthma inhaler since my surgery last September. And, with doctor's support, I weaned off my 2x daily Advair medication. And I'm OK. In fact, now I'm beginning to wonder if I still need my CPAP machine at night. It's seeming to 'get in the way' as much as it's 'helping' lately. Maybe it just needs adjusting. I'll check.
I was really struggling, not knowing why I was generally getting worse and worse, physically. I was following my regular doctor's orders, taking supplements, drinking water, and doing my best to "exercise and eat right". I was short of breath, but I'd had asthma since I was a child. I thought that's what it was. I did have a slight heaviness in my chest, but I'd thought that was probably related to the asthma too - and so said my doctor. And I had to keep sitting down and resting. I was tired all the time, but couldn't sleep well because it was so hard to breathe. And, there was a nausea I was having.. I didn't tell my doctor about the symptom, because it just didn't seem relevant to do so. I just 'powered through' the nausea as best I could, as we women have a tendency to do. I ate candied ginger, which helped., but it was getting to be every day, and even several times each day.
Then, the 'taking Lacy to the vet' incident happened (Sept. 2010), which made me suspect heart trouble. The rest is history, and here I AM, really. I remember now, that my heart surgeon told me afterward that my aortic valve itself was so bad (besides being too small for my heart), that it disintegrated in his hand. Those were his words. And the whole aortic core, which he rebuilt ('cuz it was too small too), was in similar shape. Pretty impressive. No wonder I didn't feel well.
I didn't know until yesterday (TV show reported that medical research) that nausea was one of the symptoms of heart trouble - especially for women. Because 'where there's one, there are a thousand more', I wonder how many women are walking around with the same problem, and not telling their doctor about it. I'll bet more heart-related deaths could be prevented. I was 'lucky', when my little doggie's vet told me about her heart and 'the light bulb went on' that got me in to talk again to my doctor about my heart. Before that, we'd thought it was more about asthma, and other things. When she listened to my heart, she said she heard a heart murmer, but when I asked, she didn't think it was terribly urgent - just something to be aware of and watch. Fifteen years ago, I'd had a whole battery of heart tests done because of my 'heart racing', and they said they didn't have a procedure to fix that then. Now they do. And my aorta problem must not have been big enough to 'catch' then. They said I had a little calcification, but not enough to worry about.
Apparently, heart trouble was at the root of so many things that have not been working right in my body for a long, long time. Including asthma..... I 'knock on wood' when I write this, but I've not needed to use my asthma inhaler since my surgery last September. And, with doctor's support, I weaned off my 2x daily Advair medication. And I'm OK. In fact, now I'm beginning to wonder if I still need my CPAP machine at night. It's seeming to 'get in the way' as much as it's 'helping' lately. Maybe it just needs adjusting. I'll check.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
It's a different life now
I got my driver's license renewed yesterday. There was 'red tape' so it took all day. But it's done now. I'm realizing how much of my life has 'fallen through the cracks' over the years, just because my heart wasn't functioning well enough to get my brain the oxygen it needed to negotiate the systems of life. The 'change of heart', physically, is the only variable I can see to how I was so unable to do things (school, legal, social, church, work) as well as I am now. It's like magic. Yes, I have to put forth effort, and I have to watch my energy, and take care of my recovering body in the process, but the whole path of 'doing life' is so much more clear now, than it ever has before.
The only metaphor I can think of is the example of how we each, probably in some way or another, imagine to ourselves as children, "When I grow up, I want to be.....". Usually, the sentence ends with some profession: Doctor, Lawyer, Garbage Truck Driver, ....Indian Chief.... something like that. For me, now, I feel as if I've finally 'come into myself', in the very best of ways. Sure, my body has aches and pains, but I feel whole, complete, without effort or 'missing parts' in the core of my essential self.
Even yesterday, getting through all the 'red tape', it was different. I noticed my thinking was more clear, my emotions calm, and my energy high. Balanced, strong, and Smart! I felt smart! I heard that feedback when I was young, from parents and school teachers ("You are so smart), but it was always accompanied by the statement "...but, your don't perform as if you are. You just need to try harder." Ouch. I was 'trying hard'. That wasn't the problem. I just couldn't access my 'smarts' as well as I could have if my brain has the oxygen it needed to function properly.
No wonder it's a 'different life' now.
The only metaphor I can think of is the example of how we each, probably in some way or another, imagine to ourselves as children, "When I grow up, I want to be.....". Usually, the sentence ends with some profession: Doctor, Lawyer, Garbage Truck Driver, ....Indian Chief.... something like that. For me, now, I feel as if I've finally 'come into myself', in the very best of ways. Sure, my body has aches and pains, but I feel whole, complete, without effort or 'missing parts' in the core of my essential self.
Even yesterday, getting through all the 'red tape', it was different. I noticed my thinking was more clear, my emotions calm, and my energy high. Balanced, strong, and Smart! I felt smart! I heard that feedback when I was young, from parents and school teachers ("You are so smart), but it was always accompanied by the statement "...but, your don't perform as if you are. You just need to try harder." Ouch. I was 'trying hard'. That wasn't the problem. I just couldn't access my 'smarts' as well as I could have if my brain has the oxygen it needed to function properly.
No wonder it's a 'different life' now.
