The darkness before the dawn

There is certainly no telling when these things will happen.  I notice that I don't like to admit to myself how 'low' I was in spirit the other night after exhausting myself in class.  But I was.  And now I'm not.  Quite the opposite in fact.  This morning I awoke early, feeling 'at the peak of my game', and excited to get to work on projects that have been waiting on the back shelf for quite awhile.  Of course I'll take care.  My body still is in need of healing.  Of that I became very aware during this last weekend.  But my spirit is rejuvenated and my mind is sharp.  I feel excited, and it feels like my creative juices are running at full steam.

I've noticed this phenomena before, after other 'low' times in my life.  It really does seem that 'depression' and 'low times' aren't necessarily a bad thing.  Maybe they are truly just the darkness before the dawn.  Maybe those lower times are even necessary for the rejuvenation and healing needed for some of our most creative work.  At least, that's what seems to have happened with me.

I can't say that this understanding helps me to look forward to dark times that may come (and there will be more, I'm pretty sure), but it certainly helps me know they are not 'wasted', not to be feared, and helps me to go through the experience with a little more forgiveness and grace.

Might it be true that for every high there is a needed low?  Might this be an example of what is said in holy writ that "there must needs be an opposite in all things"?  Physics bears out this same principle.  Interesting thought to ponder.

Today was amazing

Again, validation.  This has happened before during rough times in my life.  My somehow, I seem to forget inbetween, because each time it happens, like today, the amazement is new again, as if this is the first time.

Here's what I mean.  Last night I came home from teaching all day, once again, exhausted.  No, not as tired as the first of these three days straight, but so tired nonetheless. And I wondered, "Did I start back to work too soon?  Did I take on too big of a project with too little strength built up after my surgeries?  Had I been unwise?"

I even wondered, "Have I made a huge mistake in my life's path, and chosen the wrong course?  Maybe.....  Maybe I ought to just quit altogether and crawl into an introspective hole somewhere and let a Higher Source stream through the fog in my tired brain and get me back on course again.  I felt so 'off"."

But that was yesterday.  Today was nothing but validation after validation that not only am I on the right course in my life, but the difference I seem to be making in the lives of people is more than I could have ever imagined.  One by one, each of my three Hypnosis Certification Training students shared privately with me how their lives have changed already as a result of the time they've spent in the first three days of class.  That touched my heart.  But not only that.  For I know that where ever there is one who's life has been changed for the better, there are no less than 1,000 other people who come withing that person's sphere of influence.  And they are touched as well.  Each of the three students, these dear, sweet people, will now be making a more profound and positive difference in the lives of other - so much more so than they would have before.  My whole heart is behind my life's intention to help people make a better life for themselves and those they care about, that it's so exhilerating to watch it happen before my very eyes - &  in so short a time. 

This evening, I left class feeling rejunenated, rather than drained.  I felt joyous, rather than questioning.  And my heart is filled to overflowing with that sweet feeling of peace that comes only when one's feet are firmly planted, and walking, on the path they came to this earth to walk.  The only word that comes to mind is, "Hallelujah!"

Gettin' through...

Yesterday I taught Hypnosis Training all day.  I loved it.  I took care of myself, & thought I wasn't 'doing too much', but barely made it home I was so tired.  I got a bowl of something (I can't even  recall what I ate!) for dinner, sat down on the couch to rest and eat at the same time, and the next thing I knew, my roommate Marcia was taking the empty bowl from where I'd dropped it and was covering me with a blanket.  I slept just sitting on the couch for an hour or so, then crawled into bed.  Sooo tired.

Dorie spelled me off today over a long lunch, so I could take a nap for 1 1/2 hours.  It helped me get through the day much better.  Going to bed now.  Nite nite.

Excited, nervous,... and Excited!

Tomorrow I'm leaping off the bridge of recovery into the fast-movong waters of active Hypnosis Certification Trainer.  I begin my first Hypnosis Certification Training course since at least a year ago. 

I can't say how many trainings I planned out, prepared, even marketed, just to have to cancel at the last minute beforehand because I just wasn't up to it.  In fact, the more I progress in my recovery, the more I realize how 'unwell' I have been, for how long.

When I think about it, I am absolutely amazed at how much I've been able to accomplish despite the handicaps created by a 'ticker' that just wasn't working.  I'm also overwhelmed with gratitude that while not being aware of how 'bad' I was, I am so lucky (if you can call it that!) that I didn't push it 'too far', and die before I got the help I needed.  Whew.  That was close.

Seeing through another's eyes

I spent the afternoon with a new friend yesterday.  As she shared her experiences with me, I realized I felt the same way.  The details of my circumstances were different than hers, but the feelings were the same.  I too, have dismissed painful happenings in my life as 'just the way it is', rather that sharing the details with a someone I trust.  I too have 'just put up with it' because I saw no other choice.  I too have tried hard and found my best efforts didn't seem to be 'good enough'.  So much was the same.  I listened, shared back when appropriate, and mostly just sat in her presence, hearing her.

I know from my own experience that there's something about saying the words, and having someone really listen to your story that can sometimes change everything.  Healing happens, you hear your own words with your own ears, your words yield reactions from the listener that can shed light on the subject, and on and on.  That's what seemed to happen yesterday. 

I really heard her out, rather than just 'waiting for my turn to speak.  I listened with acceptance, understanding, even forgiveness, for we each do the best we can in any given moment.  I noticed where there were similarities in our experiences, and differences.  I heard her pride and amazement in her own accomplishments, her pain and sense of betrayal from the actions of others, and her sorrow at how her family had suffered in the process.  And as I listened, I found myself feeling her feeling as if it were my own.  When she laughed, I laughed.  When she cried, I did too.  The feelings between us went beyond a sense of compassion, one person for another, but empathy - feeling 'with', not 'feeling for' another person.  Afterward,  I realized that I not only knew her better, but that I had been broadened and deepened as a well.  It was as if we shared more of the experience itself, and not just the story about it.

Leaving my friends home, I realized that I saw my own life differently.  I was more clear and understanding, where I may have been judgmental before.  I realized where I have 'put people in a box', and where I have felt 'put in a box' myself.  And the most amazing thing of all.... I saw more than ever before how subtely, unconsciously, I had been a creator within my own life circumstances - and how my friend had done the very same thing in hers.  No blame, but witnessing only the happenings, causes, effects, and all the many situations in which experience and learning happen.

My belief, and my experience as well, is that each one of us is so much more powerful than we ever could have imagined.  Learning is important to each of us, and it requires certain circumstances to best learn certain things.  I remember my father saying to me when I was young, "To really learn how to survive off the land, you leave the classroom and enter the forest itself."   There have been times I have complained mightily about my own life circumstances, and had my own pain.  But I know now that (to really learn what I have wanted to learn): If it hadn't been those particular parents, those particular siblings, classmates, friends, enemies, teachers, bullies, husband, children, etc. - it would have been somebody just like them.  If it hadn't been that school, that church, that company or that group, it would have been another.

In a very practical sense, the sun shines on each of us, wherever we are.  Whether we get burned, or tanned, or something in between depends on what circumstances we bring to the situation, and what we do with the sunshine.  Me, I bring freckles.  No matter how hard I've tried, my skin doesn't respond to the sun with giving me a nice looking, smoothly tanned skin.  But I've learned that I can appreciate the tan that others can achieve, while at the same time knowing that there can be 'too much' sun for any of us who want to have healthy skin.

So, I listened to my friend, and I saw through her eyes.  As a result, I felt closer to her as a person, and I my own 'seeing' was better, too.  For many reasons we were each bettered for the exchange.  To extend the 'sun' metaphor:  We'd each had 'sun' experiences, and we shared the resulting tans, burns, and effects.  Now, the next step will be to take what we have from this exchange, using our learnings and experiences to create a better world - for ourselves, and for others in our circles of influence.  The gift is also the challenge - and vice versa.

Maybe it's the weather

Rough day today.  The osteo arthritis in my hip and knee hurts.  It's more that just 'complainable'.   It hurts to sit, stand, walk, move, lie down - it just hurts.  Yes, it usually bothers me, but today it's worse.  I've heard people say "I can tell a storm is coming in 'cuz my arthritis is hurting' - Maybe this is what they mean.  Maybe the barometer is dropping.  Self-hypnosis does help, and Reiki does help, and my 'pain patch' magnets help as well.  But the down-deep pain is still there.  I'll see if I can find something to do to distract me until it's time to go to bed for the night.  Then I'll take the pain pill I've been saving, climb under the covers with my hot water bottle, and go to sleep.

All of a sudden...

I don't know when it happened, but sometime recently my self-consciousness about my 'open heart surgery' scar showing on above the top button of my shirt is GONE!  The scar is still there - as vividly red as ever.  But the self-consciousness is gone.  No more tugging, pulling, trying to cover it.  No more turning sideways just a little bit when I talk to someone so the light doesn't catch it straight on.  And, no more concern that when I talk with someone, their eyes float downward, rather than staying on my face.  Ahh.  It's so much more relaxing this way.

It's interesting too - Now my thoughts don't go in that 'worry' direction, the scar itself doesn't seem to be noticed.  It's quite interesting to me how my own 'worry thoughts' seemed to draw from others the very things I was worried about.  My, but we are more powerful as beings than we ever would have thought.

Thing is, I knew this principle as head knowledge.  And I've even taught it to others.  And, I've used it myself in so many other situations.  But not this one.  I guess it doesn't really matter WHAT we know, but When/How we apply it.  This was a learning experience for me, just because it was a totally different situation than I'd every had before.  Kinda cool.

Lacy had a stroke

At least, that's what the vet said.  Lacy has not been well, and yesterday she was circling and circling,round and round, running into walls, and getting stuck in corners.  And she cried for hours at a time.  As I held her, comforting her as best I could, I cried too.  Poor thing.  She's weight, so she's such a little ball of blond furry fluff, with strawberry blond ears and hind end.  The vet says it's a surprise that Lacy has lasted as long as she has, with all her health problems.  The vet gave her some new medication which seems to have eased Lacy's discomfort, and she seems to have rallied a bit.  Just this afternoon Lacy even licked my face for the first time in more than a week.  Precious little soul.  I'm grateful she's in my life.  And, I'm grateful I even have a life, because of Lacy.  I'm glad I can help take care of her in her last days.