I knew that after my heart surgeries I 'felt different'. I didn't know 'how different', maybe still don't. All I know is that there's been such an 'inflow' of creation the last 3 weeks or so, that it's been all I could do to 'get to down'. My feeling is that there will be much good stuff produced from this time period. I've had 'inspiration' before, but this is different somehow.
After writing, I read it back and I say to myself, "Wow, that really sounds good - like what I've always wanted to say, but couldn't quite do the way it is here, now." When I look at the calendar, all I see are openings for scheduling of productions. Workshops, trainings, classes, books, manuals, articles.... mostly 'new work'. And opportunities to publish have opened up without my 'trying'. It's really a marvelous thing, because what's 'coming to form' now, has been rolling around 'in spirit' for years - some even as long as I can remember. I've just never been quite able to 'get it into form' just this way until now. I feel a sort of relief from a tension that I've been holding inside all along, being somewhat aware of the stress, but totally unaware of what was causing it. Feels so much to be able to actually DO something with all this energy!
I'm having to pay close attention to keeping a balance in just living life as a human - remembering to eat, shower, exercise, all that stuff. So many nights I've been awakened from sleep, or 'unable' to sleep after going to bed, and could only rest after I'd had another 'brain dump'.
And another thing- I knew that I've become more of a 'no nonsense' kind of person, and able to speak with more clarity regarding fundamental issues (I've felt that, and received that feedback). But as my posts on Facebook have become lately, to my own ears my words sound as if they could be taken even as 'harsh' somewhat. I'm not 'nice' at all. Of course, I've said for years that "I almost died of terminal niceness," so maybe that isn't such a bad thing.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
My first comment in a Ning Community....
How do I put peace into practice?
I do my best to let go of my attachment to result in any of my doings. Then I can better allow the flow of things. At the same time, when there IS something that disappoints me, (and there is much sometimes), I allow myself to 'have' the feelings, letting them wash through like a Spring rain, breathe, and go about tending the garden I'm standing in.
I do my best to let go of my attachment to result in any of my doings. Then I can better allow the flow of things. At the same time, when there IS something that disappoints me, (and there is much sometimes), I allow myself to 'have' the feelings, letting them wash through like a Spring rain, breathe, and go about tending the garden I'm standing in.
Monday, February 28, 2011
War Zones
I wonder how many wars have begun because of religious stands people take, based on the individual's information and belief? The 'fighting thought' usually sounds like, "Because I believe this as true, you should too. And, because I act according to my truth 'this certain way', you should act that way too."
There's the 'War Zone'. Whether outside or inside of us, war zones are created when there are should's levied upon us by another. In a family, there are War Zones created when the parents levy requirements upon a child that don't fit what is actually there. For example: "Be good", when the child is already 'good'. Then the child has to 'act as if, so they can be judged as 'being good' by the definition held by someone else, and often lose track of their own innate goodness within, by doing so.
When a bomb of 'separateness' is dropped upon a scene that is of 'wholeness', War is created. When war happens, we are each a victim.
There's the 'War Zone'. Whether outside or inside of us, war zones are created when there are should's levied upon us by another. In a family, there are War Zones created when the parents levy requirements upon a child that don't fit what is actually there. For example: "Be good", when the child is already 'good'. Then the child has to 'act as if, so they can be judged as 'being good' by the definition held by someone else, and often lose track of their own innate goodness within, by doing so.
When a bomb of 'separateness' is dropped upon a scene that is of 'wholeness', War is created. When war happens, we are each a victim.
Judgment
What a power-packed word. It usually has an emotional impact of sorts when we hear it because we've each experienced being on the 'raw' end of someone else's judgment. That's not fun. Another meaning the word 'judgment' holds for me is that I have to focus carefully to make sure I spell it right. I was the winner in a few spelling bees as a child, but I lost the 6th grade championship spelling bee because I spelled the word 'judgement', instead of 'judgment'. I'll never forget how humiliated I was, because that was the year I had a huge schoolgirl's crush on a boy with black hair in a crew cut, and marvelous green eyes. I watched him every day playing touch football at recess, trying hard to look nonchalant. And when I missed the spelling on that last word, I remember wishing I could just disappear into a dark hole somewhere, rather than taking the pitiful honor of receiving 2nd place.
I've come to know the human capability to judge as a gift of the Divine. The challenge is to use it wisely. There is a difference between making a judgment call to better our own actions, and judging something as either 'good' or 'bad' in total. I learned that when I worked as a Drug Addiction Counselor, as I realized that alcohol, in and of itself, isn't 'bad' (nor 'good'), but the use of alcohol is what creates either a 'bad' or 'good' result, depending the need, or the result wanted. The word 'balance' would be a more accurate descriptor, that 'right' or 'wrong', even 'better than' or 'worse than'. It's a Taoist principle, really. Does the use of the thing create a good end? Or not? What are the 'fruits' of the use? One of the perspectives that helps me make wise judgments is to ask myself if the action or tool I choose will be an 'energy add' to life, or an 'energy drain'. Bottom line, does it go toward life, or death. Good question.
And then there is the question of when to apply judgment, not just what judgment to make. What I've found to be true in my own life is that I have not only the opportunity but the responsibility to make judgment in things having to do with my own actions in my own life. Judgment is mine also to make in situations where something or someone is within my personal stewardship. For example, when my children were minors, I made the final judgment for them, in their behalf, while teaching them as best I could to make wise judgments for themselves. They were in my stewardship. So is my business. It's the old "The Buck Stops Here' principle. When the judgment I make is a good one, I get the credit. When it's not, I get the blame. It's fair.
But what if you don't know you're judging? That's a tricky one. In the past, I've found myself in that situation too many times, so more consciousness in judgment has been my goal. Because of this focus, and because I've achieved some measure of success at it, I see more clearly now when someone else is making a judgment, and what kind of judgment they are making - often below the level of their awareness. It's interesting to me, because I can see how our ego defends it's claim on the area of 'I'm right, you're wrong', usually without our even realizing it. And when there is a conclusion that is reached about something (based on a judgment made), there is no more learning that can be had in that area. The only thing we can say at that moment (to ourselves or another) is, "I know", thinking we already know what's going on. There is no openness toward further possibility.
For example: A friend of mine recently used an analogy with me of gardening and nutrition. Her son likes pancakes, not fresh vegetables, and if it were possible he would much prefer to have a family 'pancake garden', rather than a vegetable garden. My friend wisely tries to sneak whatever vegetables into her son's food that she can, knowing that eating more vegetable in his diet gives him more nutrition, than a diet of solely pancakes would, no matter how much more he likes them. This son and his diet is in her stewardship, so she makes judgments about the food she offers him, and continues to grow the family vegetable garden. When her son grows up and leaves his mother's stewardship, he will have to make his own judgments on what he will eat for his own best nutrition. He may even find a way to continue eating his preferred meal of pancakes, while incorporating into them other, more 'veggie' types of items. It has been done. (Cooked beets, squash, pumpkin, carrots, and grated fresh apples are all great in pancakes!) So, if his mother kept a hard rule about pancakes being a lesser source of nutrition than vegetables, she may end up mistaken. But, like most mother's, once we climb on a soapbox about something, making judgment about how things should and shouldn't be, we get attached to it. Then it's easy to judge the person who is doing something differently than we have experienced as valuable, as doing it 'wrong' - hence, the person is wrong. Relationships become strained when this happens, and hard feelings ensue.
So, my intention is to judge wisely, making sure that my judgment falls within what is actually in my stewardship. And the rest of the time, speak only for myself, and what I have found value in for myself, honoring another's experience with respect only, free from judgment whatsoever of what is 'better than', or 'less than', what I am doing myself. When I was a child, I was taught certain belief systems, and sources of 'Good', to which my parents felt the whole world should ascribe to, and follow. I've found that this type of thinking only creates 'war zones'. I choose not to participate. If it's about nutrition, there are many ways to get it. If it's about becoming 'one with the Divine', there are many ways to get that result too. And everything else in between.
I've come to know the human capability to judge as a gift of the Divine. The challenge is to use it wisely. There is a difference between making a judgment call to better our own actions, and judging something as either 'good' or 'bad' in total. I learned that when I worked as a Drug Addiction Counselor, as I realized that alcohol, in and of itself, isn't 'bad' (nor 'good'), but the use of alcohol is what creates either a 'bad' or 'good' result, depending the need, or the result wanted. The word 'balance' would be a more accurate descriptor, that 'right' or 'wrong', even 'better than' or 'worse than'. It's a Taoist principle, really. Does the use of the thing create a good end? Or not? What are the 'fruits' of the use? One of the perspectives that helps me make wise judgments is to ask myself if the action or tool I choose will be an 'energy add' to life, or an 'energy drain'. Bottom line, does it go toward life, or death. Good question.
And then there is the question of when to apply judgment, not just what judgment to make. What I've found to be true in my own life is that I have not only the opportunity but the responsibility to make judgment in things having to do with my own actions in my own life. Judgment is mine also to make in situations where something or someone is within my personal stewardship. For example, when my children were minors, I made the final judgment for them, in their behalf, while teaching them as best I could to make wise judgments for themselves. They were in my stewardship. So is my business. It's the old "The Buck Stops Here' principle. When the judgment I make is a good one, I get the credit. When it's not, I get the blame. It's fair.
But what if you don't know you're judging? That's a tricky one. In the past, I've found myself in that situation too many times, so more consciousness in judgment has been my goal. Because of this focus, and because I've achieved some measure of success at it, I see more clearly now when someone else is making a judgment, and what kind of judgment they are making - often below the level of their awareness. It's interesting to me, because I can see how our ego defends it's claim on the area of 'I'm right, you're wrong', usually without our even realizing it. And when there is a conclusion that is reached about something (based on a judgment made), there is no more learning that can be had in that area. The only thing we can say at that moment (to ourselves or another) is, "I know", thinking we already know what's going on. There is no openness toward further possibility.
For example: A friend of mine recently used an analogy with me of gardening and nutrition. Her son likes pancakes, not fresh vegetables, and if it were possible he would much prefer to have a family 'pancake garden', rather than a vegetable garden. My friend wisely tries to sneak whatever vegetables into her son's food that she can, knowing that eating more vegetable in his diet gives him more nutrition, than a diet of solely pancakes would, no matter how much more he likes them. This son and his diet is in her stewardship, so she makes judgments about the food she offers him, and continues to grow the family vegetable garden. When her son grows up and leaves his mother's stewardship, he will have to make his own judgments on what he will eat for his own best nutrition. He may even find a way to continue eating his preferred meal of pancakes, while incorporating into them other, more 'veggie' types of items. It has been done. (Cooked beets, squash, pumpkin, carrots, and grated fresh apples are all great in pancakes!) So, if his mother kept a hard rule about pancakes being a lesser source of nutrition than vegetables, she may end up mistaken. But, like most mother's, once we climb on a soapbox about something, making judgment about how things should and shouldn't be, we get attached to it. Then it's easy to judge the person who is doing something differently than we have experienced as valuable, as doing it 'wrong' - hence, the person is wrong. Relationships become strained when this happens, and hard feelings ensue.
So, my intention is to judge wisely, making sure that my judgment falls within what is actually in my stewardship. And the rest of the time, speak only for myself, and what I have found value in for myself, honoring another's experience with respect only, free from judgment whatsoever of what is 'better than', or 'less than', what I am doing myself. When I was a child, I was taught certain belief systems, and sources of 'Good', to which my parents felt the whole world should ascribe to, and follow. I've found that this type of thinking only creates 'war zones'. I choose not to participate. If it's about nutrition, there are many ways to get it. If it's about becoming 'one with the Divine', there are many ways to get that result too. And everything else in between.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Attending to the things of Life
Last week was 'a wash', as far as 'outer work' goes. No projects begun, worked on, or finished. I couldn't seem to 'get it together' enough to do anything productive. My body was OK, it was just my mind that seemed pre-occupied. I had numberous memories surface throughout the week, along with feelings, that demanded attention. So I attended to them.
My father is dying. My brother tells me of going each day to help my father into bed at night. They live on the same street, so it's close. Dear Dad is such an interesting man. I remember when I was 4 years old, on a hot summer day, my Daddy cleaned out a round, tin, horse-watering tub, and put it in the middle of our front lawn in Lehi, Utah, and my toddler sister Jane and I played in the water. Two little blond girls, with Mama sitting on the front doorstep of the house, feeding a bottle to our new baby sister Jolene. There was a huge tree in our front yard - I think it was a sycamore. I remember thinking my Daddy was so smart for fixing us a 'swimming pool' to use. Later, he told me that Porter Rockwell had built that house, as one of the houses he built in Utah after having been the body guard to Joseph Smith, Mormon prophet. To me, it was just my family's house. We had chickens out back, and I remember corn growing SO tall in the garden. The neigbor had sheep in the field out back, and I liked them. Years later, when I was married with five children, I got a ewe who was ready to lamb and kept her in the 'back field' in So. Weber, Utah, where we lived then. I wanted to continue my efforts to provide my family with the 'natural' basics, I was helping my boys with Boy Scouts, and I thought that a few sheep would be a good project.
My father was a rancher from Eastern Utah, turned insurance saleman to support his family. He's 94, and his mind has been sharp until just lately. He has so many stories of 'the old times', and has been trying to record as many as he can. I've been helping, by phone, with some of those memories. And with these memories, as I've been reminding my father so he can write his own, I've had feelings come that have been long 'buried and forgotten'. I've worked on lots of 'mother/father' issues, and seem to have cleared much. So what's been coming this past week has to do with the more subtle realizations of 'the water I swam in'. That metaphor is from the example of asking a fish, "How's the water?" The fish would simply reply, "What water?" This past week I've become more aware, through the sharing of both my mother and my father, of the 'water I swam in'. Their personal struggles, their intentions, their perspectives of should's and shouldn'ts in raising their children. I realize that I did feel loved, even cherished, but it was not unconditional. My parents could only give what THEY had, themselves, and neither one had received, nor felt, unconditionally accepted and loved. I believe it's probably the same for each of us, in a way. There's no 'ideal' here, no 'perfect childhood'. How it was for ME was what I got this week. And how my entire life has been affected. No big wow's, but so many small, powerful realizations.
My father is dying. My brother tells me of going each day to help my father into bed at night. They live on the same street, so it's close. Dear Dad is such an interesting man. I remember when I was 4 years old, on a hot summer day, my Daddy cleaned out a round, tin, horse-watering tub, and put it in the middle of our front lawn in Lehi, Utah, and my toddler sister Jane and I played in the water. Two little blond girls, with Mama sitting on the front doorstep of the house, feeding a bottle to our new baby sister Jolene. There was a huge tree in our front yard - I think it was a sycamore. I remember thinking my Daddy was so smart for fixing us a 'swimming pool' to use. Later, he told me that Porter Rockwell had built that house, as one of the houses he built in Utah after having been the body guard to Joseph Smith, Mormon prophet. To me, it was just my family's house. We had chickens out back, and I remember corn growing SO tall in the garden. The neigbor had sheep in the field out back, and I liked them. Years later, when I was married with five children, I got a ewe who was ready to lamb and kept her in the 'back field' in So. Weber, Utah, where we lived then. I wanted to continue my efforts to provide my family with the 'natural' basics, I was helping my boys with Boy Scouts, and I thought that a few sheep would be a good project.
My father was a rancher from Eastern Utah, turned insurance saleman to support his family. He's 94, and his mind has been sharp until just lately. He has so many stories of 'the old times', and has been trying to record as many as he can. I've been helping, by phone, with some of those memories. And with these memories, as I've been reminding my father so he can write his own, I've had feelings come that have been long 'buried and forgotten'. I've worked on lots of 'mother/father' issues, and seem to have cleared much. So what's been coming this past week has to do with the more subtle realizations of 'the water I swam in'. That metaphor is from the example of asking a fish, "How's the water?" The fish would simply reply, "What water?" This past week I've become more aware, through the sharing of both my mother and my father, of the 'water I swam in'. Their personal struggles, their intentions, their perspectives of should's and shouldn'ts in raising their children. I realize that I did feel loved, even cherished, but it was not unconditional. My parents could only give what THEY had, themselves, and neither one had received, nor felt, unconditionally accepted and loved. I believe it's probably the same for each of us, in a way. There's no 'ideal' here, no 'perfect childhood'. How it was for ME was what I got this week. And how my entire life has been affected. No big wow's, but so many small, powerful realizations.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Wholeness
As a person in relationship of any sort, job is not to assist another in walking in wholeness, but to walk in wholeness with them.
In Relationship - Being a helper versus really helping
I've known there was a difference for a long time now. And in my private practice, with clients, I do my best to do the latter. However, I haven't experienced such a clear difference in my own life until this last week. I've felt prompted in the last few months to build a friendship with someone I didn't know before. She is a marvelous person, with gifts and talents 'par excellance'. We share of the same ideas and feelings, and our bond has grown strongly. I've also developed a deep affection for her husband and children,... and even her pets,... at the same time.. But there's a problem - a little things that gets in the way of our really 'relaxing into intimacy' so to speak. (Of course, there are so many more ways to be 'intimate' than requiring taking your clothes off. You know what I mean.) The problem? She continues to 'try to help' me. She seems to be so sure I need just the kind of help that she can give.
It's not the sharing of food that I object to. I enjoy it when someone shares their food creations with me, especially when they enjoy what I share back to them in return. It's really quite fun. But it's the attitude I'm being approached with that is getting in my way. There is this constant, underlying feeling of, "Here, let me help you understand how much 'better' I am than you are, and how you can be that way too, with my help." She's not said any words to this effect - except when she has, but not as clearly as I just described it. It's the 'feeling'. Her words are as if she expects a judgment of some sort from me. And that's not something that I experience in my own mind and heart about her at all. I love her dearly. And when I 'look inside' (and I do), I love her without conditions of any sort. It's not about that. I wonder if it's about her own fear of some sort, being projected out upon me. All I know is that it isn't 'clear' and I feel uncomfortable in the presence of that.
Ah well. In the past I would have been a bit heartsick about this, because I hadn't found 'the connection' I'd sought, and put time and energy into building. I may have even blamed the other person, or circumstances, for it. But now I just feel a bit sad. I still love her, and that will probably never change. She's on her own path, as I am on mine. I'll probably see her from time to time still. But there will be no more effort on my part to share 'of the spirit' to the level I have before. My experiences seem to be deemed as worthy of judgment of being 'less that', even 'wrong', that I might be 'fixed', and brought into some sort of wholeness by her.
I know that each of us has our lessons to learn, and it requires certain situations, with certain experiences, to do that. Hence, this situation, now. In the face of this, I'm learning how to set my own boundaries even more clearly, without judement, without blame, without irritation of any sort, but acceptance. Even the sadness wanes now as I 'have it' more fully, knowing the loss of something I'd hoped for, wanted, yet was unable to really relax into, thus really enjoy.
What I know about myself is that I go for a quality of intimacy in relationship that is not always easy to find. What I realize more fully now is that each relationship will not dip as deeply from that well of spirit and trust as another does. And I'm learning to accept that. It's not always easy. Just simple. And my heartache? What I really want is a certain quality of intimacy in relationship with every being. I used to make it my fault that I was not worthy of that. Not at all. It just doesn't happen. It's just that I want that quality of intimacy with everyone I care about, because that's really 'fills'. There's the fullness of joy. Nothing short of that fills the bill. My friend wants something other than thant (self validation?) more than she does the intimacy. It appears she wants to needed by me.
We all address neediness issues, but it doesn't fill the need to reach down and pull someone else up. That just feeds our ego. Issues of neediness are often still in the way. They need to be cleared for there to be an equal and honoring exchange of validation in relationship. Then there is no need, just sharing. That's what I want. In my practice I facilitate others in clearing those base issues so that they may have the kind of relationships that really fill - equal, honoring, true intimacy. These relationships are truly healing. And the process begins with a quality of unconditional acceptance of self, and other.
Only when we have a solid ground to build upon, our castles of sharing and love in relationship are built.
It's not the sharing of food that I object to. I enjoy it when someone shares their food creations with me, especially when they enjoy what I share back to them in return. It's really quite fun. But it's the attitude I'm being approached with that is getting in my way. There is this constant, underlying feeling of, "Here, let me help you understand how much 'better' I am than you are, and how you can be that way too, with my help." She's not said any words to this effect - except when she has, but not as clearly as I just described it. It's the 'feeling'. Her words are as if she expects a judgment of some sort from me. And that's not something that I experience in my own mind and heart about her at all. I love her dearly. And when I 'look inside' (and I do), I love her without conditions of any sort. It's not about that. I wonder if it's about her own fear of some sort, being projected out upon me. All I know is that it isn't 'clear' and I feel uncomfortable in the presence of that.
Ah well. In the past I would have been a bit heartsick about this, because I hadn't found 'the connection' I'd sought, and put time and energy into building. I may have even blamed the other person, or circumstances, for it. But now I just feel a bit sad. I still love her, and that will probably never change. She's on her own path, as I am on mine. I'll probably see her from time to time still. But there will be no more effort on my part to share 'of the spirit' to the level I have before. My experiences seem to be deemed as worthy of judgment of being 'less that', even 'wrong', that I might be 'fixed', and brought into some sort of wholeness by her.
I know that each of us has our lessons to learn, and it requires certain situations, with certain experiences, to do that. Hence, this situation, now. In the face of this, I'm learning how to set my own boundaries even more clearly, without judement, without blame, without irritation of any sort, but acceptance. Even the sadness wanes now as I 'have it' more fully, knowing the loss of something I'd hoped for, wanted, yet was unable to really relax into, thus really enjoy.
What I know about myself is that I go for a quality of intimacy in relationship that is not always easy to find. What I realize more fully now is that each relationship will not dip as deeply from that well of spirit and trust as another does. And I'm learning to accept that. It's not always easy. Just simple. And my heartache? What I really want is a certain quality of intimacy in relationship with every being. I used to make it my fault that I was not worthy of that. Not at all. It just doesn't happen. It's just that I want that quality of intimacy with everyone I care about, because that's really 'fills'. There's the fullness of joy. Nothing short of that fills the bill. My friend wants something other than thant (self validation?) more than she does the intimacy. It appears she wants to needed by me.
We all address neediness issues, but it doesn't fill the need to reach down and pull someone else up. That just feeds our ego. Issues of neediness are often still in the way. They need to be cleared for there to be an equal and honoring exchange of validation in relationship. Then there is no need, just sharing. That's what I want. In my practice I facilitate others in clearing those base issues so that they may have the kind of relationships that really fill - equal, honoring, true intimacy. These relationships are truly healing. And the process begins with a quality of unconditional acceptance of self, and other.
Only when we have a solid ground to build upon, our castles of sharing and love in relationship are built.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Lucid Dreaming again. No, Co-Dreaming
I had an experience years ago when I was personally studying with a woman who was well-taught by a White Mountain Apache medicine woman. At one point during my first year of study with her, while she was coaching me in dream work, I shared a dream I'd had the night before, with her in it. She stopped me mid-sentence, and finished telling me about the dream. We'd approached the dream subject from our own unique perspectives, had our individual experiences, but it was the 'same dream', essentially. I've never forgotten how amazing that was.
Well, a few nights ago (years later, a totally different cirsumstance) it happened again. As I was sharing a dream from the night before with my friend Marcia, and that she'd appeared in my dream, she suddenly got looked very pensive. When I was finished, she told me of her own dream, and the unmistakable elements where we had shared the same dream. Again, amazing. It reminds me of when I was teaching some lucid dream workshops during the mid-1990's, and we'd end the class by saying, "See you in the dreamtime'. I had one distinct experience then of sharing a dream with someone, where we both walked toward a blazing bonfire on the beach, conversed for awhile, and then went our separate ways. Since it happened during the Friday night of a Friday and Saturday workshop, we were able to share the dream the next day.
Being a 'closet scientist', I wonder if there have been any scientific studies done on what the Australiam Aborigines call Dreamtime? I wonder if, when people sleep together in close quarters, their brain waves come to be more in sync with one another? Similar to women's menstrual cycles becoming in sync when they live together in a group? And, because the brain wave of natural sleep is different than when someone is in hypnosis, what may the difference in the brain waves of one who is dreaming, and/or lucid dreaming, and/or co-dreaming?
Well, a few nights ago (years later, a totally different cirsumstance) it happened again. As I was sharing a dream from the night before with my friend Marcia, and that she'd appeared in my dream, she suddenly got looked very pensive. When I was finished, she told me of her own dream, and the unmistakable elements where we had shared the same dream. Again, amazing. It reminds me of when I was teaching some lucid dream workshops during the mid-1990's, and we'd end the class by saying, "See you in the dreamtime'. I had one distinct experience then of sharing a dream with someone, where we both walked toward a blazing bonfire on the beach, conversed for awhile, and then went our separate ways. Since it happened during the Friday night of a Friday and Saturday workshop, we were able to share the dream the next day.
Being a 'closet scientist', I wonder if there have been any scientific studies done on what the Australiam Aborigines call Dreamtime? I wonder if, when people sleep together in close quarters, their brain waves come to be more in sync with one another? Similar to women's menstrual cycles becoming in sync when they live together in a group? And, because the brain wave of natural sleep is different than when someone is in hypnosis, what may the difference in the brain waves of one who is dreaming, and/or lucid dreaming, and/or co-dreaming?
Body temperature changes,.... Still
Today is the first day in a week that I've had to wear my fingerless mittens during the day to keep my hands warm. Even then, I only wore a glove on my right hand, not on my left. Odd. My hands and feet have been so cold since my heart surgeries, and it's been hard to keep warm generally. But this last week was different. No mittens during the day, and when I went to the grocery store, I took off my heavy winter coat while I walked around shopping because I got too warm. That was a first.
Before the surgeries, I was always toasty warm, even sweating, most of the time, no matter how cold the weather. I don't even fog up the inside windows of my car very much anymore. It's like I have another body, in a way. Osteoarthritis in hips and knees still, but my general system is so much better.
Before the surgeries, I was always toasty warm, even sweating, most of the time, no matter how cold the weather. I don't even fog up the inside windows of my car very much anymore. It's like I have another body, in a way. Osteoarthritis in hips and knees still, but my general system is so much better.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Lucid Dream
I've been interested in lucid dreaming for years and years. And I've followed up with that by attending workshops, classes, working with 'lucid dream machines', keeping dream journals,.... All sorts of things. And since my heart surgery, my dreams have seemed to be more lucid, especially during that time of 'just before waking up'. This morning I experienced both at the same time - lucid dream, and pre-awakening consciousness of the here and now. I awoke in the middle of a lucid dream, where I was having an amazing experience I will remember forever, and at the same time slowly finding myself aware the 'present'. I could feel myself in my warm blankets, that I was laying on my side, and that the sunlight was shining through the closed curtains on the other side of the room. I became aware that I was having both experiences at the same time, and I did my best to slow everything down so it would 'stay that way' for awile. Wow. Really a cool experience. I think it's something I can even do better next time.
Another sroke for Lacy, and little sleep for me
Thursday night was rough. The day before my last day of Hypnosis Certification Training class, and Lacy had another stroke. It started a little after midnight, and her scratching movements and little moans woke me. It continued for hours, and her little moans turned into yaps and barks. At first I was worried about waking the man in the apartment downstairs, but then I remember we'd talked about this possibility before, and he was 'OK enough', so I dropped my concern. Her little body convulsed with jerks and her head started listing to the left. Poor baby. Friend Marcia took her and just held her (that's all that could be done), while I went back to bed, to get some more rest, if not sleep, in preparation for doing a full day coming up. Marcia was due at her work the next day too, but Lacy needed help. Marcia and I talked about the situation, and made a conscious decision to 'be' with Lacy, and trust the process, asking of a higher source for help to 'do' the next day.
That principle of 'asking' and 'receiving', to get human needs filled, works. I got about 4 1/2 hours sleep, and even though I started the day wondering how I'd get through, I did. Pretty amazing. As I write this, it's Sunday morning. Training is over for now, and I'm really happy with how things went. Each student seemed to get what they wanted out of their experience, and some value they hadn't expected, but which will serve them well. That was my intention. I'm glad it actually happened. And Lacy? She's wobbly, but better. She ate and drank just a little bit late last night, which was a good sign. And she slept all the way through the night. So did I - It was SO nice! Her head is still tilted over toward the left, and she is having troubles with her right front paw. I'm glad she's still here for a little while more though. She's such a sweeheart.
That principle of 'asking' and 'receiving', to get human needs filled, works. I got about 4 1/2 hours sleep, and even though I started the day wondering how I'd get through, I did. Pretty amazing. As I write this, it's Sunday morning. Training is over for now, and I'm really happy with how things went. Each student seemed to get what they wanted out of their experience, and some value they hadn't expected, but which will serve them well. That was my intention. I'm glad it actually happened. And Lacy? She's wobbly, but better. She ate and drank just a little bit late last night, which was a good sign. And she slept all the way through the night. So did I - It was SO nice! Her head is still tilted over toward the left, and she is having troubles with her right front paw. I'm glad she's still here for a little while more though. She's such a sweeheart.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Nausea - Sign of heart trouble in women
Well, well, well. I had no idea. I could have used that information all last summer. I had no idea my heart was in BIG trouble.
I was really struggling, not knowing why I was generally getting worse and worse, physically. I was following my regular doctor's orders, taking supplements, drinking water, and doing my best to "exercise and eat right". I was short of breath, but I'd had asthma since I was a child. I thought that's what it was. I did have a slight heaviness in my chest, but I'd thought that was probably related to the asthma too - and so said my doctor. And I had to keep sitting down and resting. I was tired all the time, but couldn't sleep well because it was so hard to breathe. And, there was a nausea I was having.. I didn't tell my doctor about the symptom, because it just didn't seem relevant to do so. I just 'powered through' the nausea as best I could, as we women have a tendency to do. I ate candied ginger, which helped., but it was getting to be every day, and even several times each day.
Then, the 'taking Lacy to the vet' incident happened (Sept. 2010), which made me suspect heart trouble. The rest is history, and here I AM, really. I remember now, that my heart surgeon told me afterward that my aortic valve itself was so bad (besides being too small for my heart), that it disintegrated in his hand. Those were his words. And the whole aortic core, which he rebuilt ('cuz it was too small too), was in similar shape. Pretty impressive. No wonder I didn't feel well.
I didn't know until yesterday (TV show reported that medical research) that nausea was one of the symptoms of heart trouble - especially for women. Because 'where there's one, there are a thousand more', I wonder how many women are walking around with the same problem, and not telling their doctor about it. I'll bet more heart-related deaths could be prevented. I was 'lucky', when my little doggie's vet told me about her heart and 'the light bulb went on' that got me in to talk again to my doctor about my heart. Before that, we'd thought it was more about asthma, and other things. When she listened to my heart, she said she heard a heart murmer, but when I asked, she didn't think it was terribly urgent - just something to be aware of and watch. Fifteen years ago, I'd had a whole battery of heart tests done because of my 'heart racing', and they said they didn't have a procedure to fix that then. Now they do. And my aorta problem must not have been big enough to 'catch' then. They said I had a little calcification, but not enough to worry about.
Apparently, heart trouble was at the root of so many things that have not been working right in my body for a long, long time. Including asthma..... I 'knock on wood' when I write this, but I've not needed to use my asthma inhaler since my surgery last September. And, with doctor's support, I weaned off my 2x daily Advair medication. And I'm OK. In fact, now I'm beginning to wonder if I still need my CPAP machine at night. It's seeming to 'get in the way' as much as it's 'helping' lately. Maybe it just needs adjusting. I'll check.
I was really struggling, not knowing why I was generally getting worse and worse, physically. I was following my regular doctor's orders, taking supplements, drinking water, and doing my best to "exercise and eat right". I was short of breath, but I'd had asthma since I was a child. I thought that's what it was. I did have a slight heaviness in my chest, but I'd thought that was probably related to the asthma too - and so said my doctor. And I had to keep sitting down and resting. I was tired all the time, but couldn't sleep well because it was so hard to breathe. And, there was a nausea I was having.. I didn't tell my doctor about the symptom, because it just didn't seem relevant to do so. I just 'powered through' the nausea as best I could, as we women have a tendency to do. I ate candied ginger, which helped., but it was getting to be every day, and even several times each day.
Then, the 'taking Lacy to the vet' incident happened (Sept. 2010), which made me suspect heart trouble. The rest is history, and here I AM, really. I remember now, that my heart surgeon told me afterward that my aortic valve itself was so bad (besides being too small for my heart), that it disintegrated in his hand. Those were his words. And the whole aortic core, which he rebuilt ('cuz it was too small too), was in similar shape. Pretty impressive. No wonder I didn't feel well.
I didn't know until yesterday (TV show reported that medical research) that nausea was one of the symptoms of heart trouble - especially for women. Because 'where there's one, there are a thousand more', I wonder how many women are walking around with the same problem, and not telling their doctor about it. I'll bet more heart-related deaths could be prevented. I was 'lucky', when my little doggie's vet told me about her heart and 'the light bulb went on' that got me in to talk again to my doctor about my heart. Before that, we'd thought it was more about asthma, and other things. When she listened to my heart, she said she heard a heart murmer, but when I asked, she didn't think it was terribly urgent - just something to be aware of and watch. Fifteen years ago, I'd had a whole battery of heart tests done because of my 'heart racing', and they said they didn't have a procedure to fix that then. Now they do. And my aorta problem must not have been big enough to 'catch' then. They said I had a little calcification, but not enough to worry about.
Apparently, heart trouble was at the root of so many things that have not been working right in my body for a long, long time. Including asthma..... I 'knock on wood' when I write this, but I've not needed to use my asthma inhaler since my surgery last September. And, with doctor's support, I weaned off my 2x daily Advair medication. And I'm OK. In fact, now I'm beginning to wonder if I still need my CPAP machine at night. It's seeming to 'get in the way' as much as it's 'helping' lately. Maybe it just needs adjusting. I'll check.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
It's a different life now
I got my driver's license renewed yesterday. There was 'red tape' so it took all day. But it's done now. I'm realizing how much of my life has 'fallen through the cracks' over the years, just because my heart wasn't functioning well enough to get my brain the oxygen it needed to negotiate the systems of life. The 'change of heart', physically, is the only variable I can see to how I was so unable to do things (school, legal, social, church, work) as well as I am now. It's like magic. Yes, I have to put forth effort, and I have to watch my energy, and take care of my recovering body in the process, but the whole path of 'doing life' is so much more clear now, than it ever has before.
The only metaphor I can think of is the example of how we each, probably in some way or another, imagine to ourselves as children, "When I grow up, I want to be.....". Usually, the sentence ends with some profession: Doctor, Lawyer, Garbage Truck Driver, ....Indian Chief.... something like that. For me, now, I feel as if I've finally 'come into myself', in the very best of ways. Sure, my body has aches and pains, but I feel whole, complete, without effort or 'missing parts' in the core of my essential self.
Even yesterday, getting through all the 'red tape', it was different. I noticed my thinking was more clear, my emotions calm, and my energy high. Balanced, strong, and Smart! I felt smart! I heard that feedback when I was young, from parents and school teachers ("You are so smart), but it was always accompanied by the statement "...but, your don't perform as if you are. You just need to try harder." Ouch. I was 'trying hard'. That wasn't the problem. I just couldn't access my 'smarts' as well as I could have if my brain has the oxygen it needed to function properly.
No wonder it's a 'different life' now.
The only metaphor I can think of is the example of how we each, probably in some way or another, imagine to ourselves as children, "When I grow up, I want to be.....". Usually, the sentence ends with some profession: Doctor, Lawyer, Garbage Truck Driver, ....Indian Chief.... something like that. For me, now, I feel as if I've finally 'come into myself', in the very best of ways. Sure, my body has aches and pains, but I feel whole, complete, without effort or 'missing parts' in the core of my essential self.
Even yesterday, getting through all the 'red tape', it was different. I noticed my thinking was more clear, my emotions calm, and my energy high. Balanced, strong, and Smart! I felt smart! I heard that feedback when I was young, from parents and school teachers ("You are so smart), but it was always accompanied by the statement "...but, your don't perform as if you are. You just need to try harder." Ouch. I was 'trying hard'. That wasn't the problem. I just couldn't access my 'smarts' as well as I could have if my brain has the oxygen it needed to function properly.
No wonder it's a 'different life' now.
Monday, January 24, 2011
(News from 'The Cave')
I'm stillI in my 'cave', resting, playing & resting today, but I just wanted to say:
I made it through the weekend with surprising grace and aplomb. Training Course went well, and during the Saturday family reunion, I only had to be 'helped' once, when I was on my way toward sitting down and I just didn't have enough strength and energy to make it. I'm grateful for the two people who rushed to my aid and saved me from disaster.
One question lingers today, leftover from Saturday's festivities - My father whispered to me after the event was over: "That was wonderful", he said. "It was like having my own funeral, only I was there to enjoy it." "Funeral" had not been my intention to create, even a 'really enjoyable' one. But I think his comment was SO Very Interesting - especially after the dream I posted about last week. Know what I mean?
Now, back to my cave.
I made it through the weekend with surprising grace and aplomb. Training Course went well, and during the Saturday family reunion, I only had to be 'helped' once, when I was on my way toward sitting down and I just didn't have enough strength and energy to make it. I'm grateful for the two people who rushed to my aid and saved me from disaster.
One question lingers today, leftover from Saturday's festivities - My father whispered to me after the event was over: "That was wonderful", he said. "It was like having my own funeral, only I was there to enjoy it." "Funeral" had not been my intention to create, even a 'really enjoyable' one. But I think his comment was SO Very Interesting - especially after the dream I posted about last week. Know what I mean?
Now, back to my cave.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Ready, Set,....
Today I'm getting 'ready', that by tonight I am 'set', to 'GO' the next three days solid. I will (most likely) have no break for neither rest nor relaxation. A full weekend of Hypnosis Certification Training is time-intensive itself, but all my preparations during the weekdays of the last 2 weeks plus, culminate this Saturday with the 'Family Gathering' I've put together in honor of the 'older generation'. And my daughter came into Salt Lakw City last night from PA, with her fiance, to introduce him to family during this weekend.
Because of my recent dream seeming to tell of my father's imminent demise, added to an already-felt sense of urgency in that regard, I've been devoting every spare moment and bit of energy this last while to producing this event of, whick I can see could be the 'last' family gathering for this part of my family. It will be interesting to see how events transpire. I will report here on the details, as I can.
I've made a 'courtesy announcement' to those I keep in close contact with (usually daily) to prepare to be 'snarled at' if they happen to interrupt me today. If the house is burning down, they'll have to make special effort to get my attention so I can get out in time. Knowing me, when I focus on something, I REALLY focus, to the exclusion of most everything else (for better and/or worse). I'm glad I have those in my life who love me and accept me 'anyway'.
So here I step, deeply into the forest of preparation, firmly on the path of 'GO'. And later, over three days from now on Sunday evening, when the Training is complete for the weekend and the Family Gathering is over and done, I will enter the cave of rest. I'll emerge only when I do - no sooner.
....Go!
Because of my recent dream seeming to tell of my father's imminent demise, added to an already-felt sense of urgency in that regard, I've been devoting every spare moment and bit of energy this last while to producing this event of, whick I can see could be the 'last' family gathering for this part of my family. It will be interesting to see how events transpire. I will report here on the details, as I can.
I've made a 'courtesy announcement' to those I keep in close contact with (usually daily) to prepare to be 'snarled at' if they happen to interrupt me today. If the house is burning down, they'll have to make special effort to get my attention so I can get out in time. Knowing me, when I focus on something, I REALLY focus, to the exclusion of most everything else (for better and/or worse). I'm glad I have those in my life who love me and accept me 'anyway'.
So here I step, deeply into the forest of preparation, firmly on the path of 'GO'. And later, over three days from now on Sunday evening, when the Training is complete for the weekend and the Family Gathering is over and done, I will enter the cave of rest. I'll emerge only when I do - no sooner.
....Go!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Peace and Chaos
In my world today there are both. Peace I'm left with after spending a wonderful weekend with amazing people at the Hypnosis Certification Training; (I'm relaxed,.... Breathing deeply,.... Feeling good,.... Feeling fine,..... Good);....
....and then there's the chaos. There is present such an underlying sense that 'the world' is falling apart in some way - not in a visual, "easily seen' way (although some of that is happening too), but more 'subterannean' if you will. 'Under the covers', where it's not easily seen by 'the eyes of man', even when it's right below our noses. Things looks tidy, nice, and oh so pretty (even in 'close' relationships) to the perviewing, judgmental eye, and the analytical brain easily takes over saying, "All is well in my world."
To me, I see marked signs of that chaos in 'good-looking' relationships I see, and in the function or organizations I am familiar with. The structure looks good, but the function is failing.
When I put my attention to it (and sometimes even when I don't) the rumble of discontent is unmistakable. That sense of chaos 'on the move' has even been interrupting my night's sleep at times, with a sense of impending 'explosion' or 'implosion' of some sort. I look at my own physical surroundings, keenly investigating, and the plans and doings of my own days, and I seem to see nothing amiss. I've been asking for feedback from a few closely trusted 'others' in my life, to help me with this. Honest feedback help me see better, even when it doesn't feel all that good sometimes. Honest feedback always helps me make more sound assessments and decision about things. But, the feedback I'm getting so far is that as far as what I am personally responsible for, nothing seems awry. (Of course, there are always adjustments to be made in our own lives, internally and externally, but even that doesn't explain what's 'left over' here, after doing all I can do.)
The rumble of 'chaos' remains.
....and then there's the chaos. There is present such an underlying sense that 'the world' is falling apart in some way - not in a visual, "easily seen' way (although some of that is happening too), but more 'subterannean' if you will. 'Under the covers', where it's not easily seen by 'the eyes of man', even when it's right below our noses. Things looks tidy, nice, and oh so pretty (even in 'close' relationships) to the perviewing, judgmental eye, and the analytical brain easily takes over saying, "All is well in my world."
To me, I see marked signs of that chaos in 'good-looking' relationships I see, and in the function or organizations I am familiar with. The structure looks good, but the function is failing.
When I put my attention to it (and sometimes even when I don't) the rumble of discontent is unmistakable. That sense of chaos 'on the move' has even been interrupting my night's sleep at times, with a sense of impending 'explosion' or 'implosion' of some sort. I look at my own physical surroundings, keenly investigating, and the plans and doings of my own days, and I seem to see nothing amiss. I've been asking for feedback from a few closely trusted 'others' in my life, to help me with this. Honest feedback help me see better, even when it doesn't feel all that good sometimes. Honest feedback always helps me make more sound assessments and decision about things. But, the feedback I'm getting so far is that as far as what I am personally responsible for, nothing seems awry. (Of course, there are always adjustments to be made in our own lives, internally and externally, but even that doesn't explain what's 'left over' here, after doing all I can do.)
The rumble of 'chaos' remains.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
I had a dream last night
In the dream, I was going through an old trunk, left by my sister Karen who has long since passed away. (She died unexpectedly more than a decade ago leaving four young children.) The trunk was in an old shed, something that reminded me of my father (living, age 94), and it felt like I was preparing for my father's funeral. As I sifted through my sister's old things, looking to see what might be needed to be done with them, suddenly my only living sister appeared through sunbeams streaming through the sunlight in the doorway of the shed. (I say 'only surviving sister because another sister, Jane, followed Karen in death just a few years after her, also unexpectedly.)
As Jolene came through the door, I felt a mix of joy, and a little puzzlement (in the dream), because we have been so estranged for so long. (Even now, writing about this, I wonder if I will ever see her again, let alone share any words of the love and respect I feel for her in my heart.) She was wearing her hair differently than I've ever seen in 'real life', but she looked absolutely beautiful. She approached me, and without hesitation wrapped her arms around me in a warm embrace. I hugged her back with all my might, I've never experienced such a hug with my sister. There's only the yearning for one.
Tears were on my face when I awoke. And the emotion is still very close. It will be an interesting day.
As Jolene came through the door, I felt a mix of joy, and a little puzzlement (in the dream), because we have been so estranged for so long. (Even now, writing about this, I wonder if I will ever see her again, let alone share any words of the love and respect I feel for her in my heart.) She was wearing her hair differently than I've ever seen in 'real life', but she looked absolutely beautiful. She approached me, and without hesitation wrapped her arms around me in a warm embrace. I hugged her back with all my might, I've never experienced such a hug with my sister. There's only the yearning for one.
Tears were on my face when I awoke. And the emotion is still very close. It will be an interesting day.
That nap is what makes the difference
I was worried that yesterday I might be as tired after teaching as I was at the end of the day last Friday. Not so yesterday. I took a nap in the middle of the day during lunch, and it seemed to make all the difference. Yay!
Friday, January 14, 2011
I wonder what will happen
Well, here it is Friday, and off I go again - Off to begin a full day of Hypnosis Certification Training. My Friday of last week ended with exhaustion. Even though I'd 'taken care' during the day, the very fact of working such a 'full day' this early in my surgery recovery took it's toll. My intention today is to 'take care', again. It will be interesting to see if I "fall asleep in my porridge" again tonight, or if I will be more able to get myself home, fed, and more readied for bed in a 'usual manner'. That's what I'm hoping for.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Healing stone connection - Years later
A number of years ago I walked through a local botanical garden (Red Butte Garden), lavishing in all it's beauty in so many forms. At the time, there were visiting sculptures being displayed throughout the grounds from artists from Africa. They were each astounding, but the one that kept 'drawing' me was a 6 ft. tall bird, make of the rock called Serpentine. It was gray-green, smooth to the touch, and both warm and cool at the same time. At least, that's how it seemed to me. When it was time to go, I remember wishing I could stay there a little longer, just 'soaking in' the energy of that stone. There were other sculptures made of Serpentine in the garden, but this one seemed to emmanate that particular energy most strongly.
I've thought of that incident many times over the years, and in my travels I've 'almost' picked up a 'pocket stone' of Serpentine. (I've found that often it helps to keep a stone or two of different kinds in my pocket as I go through the day. Because of the different vibrations of different materials, and the meanings they have gathered to them, just having them on my person seems to help. Before I 'knew' any of this, I've carried stones with me since I was a little girl. I hear that many people do. Do you?)
Well, I was given a wonderful nugget of polished Serpentine two days ago. I immediately put it in my pocket, and wore it yesterday all day as I went about my doings. Lo and behold. I definately feel the result today. I did yesterday as well, but this morning it's especially strong. My right hip that has been most affected by osteo-arthritis? Almost enirely pain-free all day. And my mood? Wonderful - even at setbacks.
"Serpentine- Also called Infinite, pronounced 'infi-night': A form of green or gray-green stone from South Africa. An excellent stone for healing the etheric body, and pain relief for the physical body. Infinite's vibration replenishes the etheric body and helps seal holes that can cause feelings of fatigue, depression and depletion. Also activiates the kundalini."
I've thought of that incident many times over the years, and in my travels I've 'almost' picked up a 'pocket stone' of Serpentine. (I've found that often it helps to keep a stone or two of different kinds in my pocket as I go through the day. Because of the different vibrations of different materials, and the meanings they have gathered to them, just having them on my person seems to help. Before I 'knew' any of this, I've carried stones with me since I was a little girl. I hear that many people do. Do you?)
Well, I was given a wonderful nugget of polished Serpentine two days ago. I immediately put it in my pocket, and wore it yesterday all day as I went about my doings. Lo and behold. I definately feel the result today. I did yesterday as well, but this morning it's especially strong. My right hip that has been most affected by osteo-arthritis? Almost enirely pain-free all day. And my mood? Wonderful - even at setbacks.
"Serpentine- Also called Infinite, pronounced 'infi-night': A form of green or gray-green stone from South Africa. An excellent stone for healing the etheric body, and pain relief for the physical body. Infinite's vibration replenishes the etheric body and helps seal holes that can cause feelings of fatigue, depression and depletion. Also activiates the kundalini."
